8-24-11

I spent most of the summer in Switzerland, helping my brother with his kids.
It was a much, much, much needed retreat for my oh so beaten psyche.

I never wanted to come home where the dirty socks live.
But now that I am, it's back to reality with a vengeance..yes, vengeance.

Life has thrown so much crap at me since I've been back, it's like some"one" is angry that I had the gall to try and take a break.

An extremely sick cat (surgery needed), a house smelling of cat pee, fleas, a broken tooth, a broken dryer, a broken water pipe, the major financial cost behind all of it--stress...stress....stress: all in the first week back

Welcome phuckin' home.

It stinks here....literally and figuratively.

Cat pee...well, unless you have dealt with it, you can't possibly understand. Our beloved Derek had a urinary tract blockage and after over a week in the hospital trying other stuff, ended up having to have a surgery in which they re-routed his urinary tract.

Now we're (mostly I) am dealing with antibiotics and this cone on his head for 14 days (!) so he won't tear out his stitches and he's miserable...trying to groom, and not being able to because of the cone. I'm miserable because he can't make it to the litter box all of the time and the house smells horrible no matter what I do and now we're going to have to replace the carpet and I don't know where that money is going to come from and and and....

I think his incision might be infected and we don't have One. More. Cent. to spend on him. We've already spent way more then we should have, using money set aside to pay taxes at the end of the year. We're gonna have to eat rice and beans for a long time to replace those funds!

Question-Why do I always come here to moan and groan?
Answer- So I don't have to do it in person to anyone else.

As of last month, DH is working out of our home, traveling a couple days a week. His work considers working at home a perk. I do not agree. We do not have an extra room, so his office is our family room. Apparently, he can't work if there is ANY noise in the house, so boychild and I have to tiptoe around. DH bitches at us a lot anyway. Wisely, boychild will take off with friends for most of the day, and I am stuck inventing errands to run to get outta dodge.

When he is out of town, we relax and the house is calm. A hellofa way to live. A hellofa thing to come home to after the serenity of Switzerland.

At least boychild gets to go back to school in a few weeks. I'm going to have to figure out something to do to get out of the house on a regular basis. Otherwise, my marriage may not survive this new job classification.

Okay, now after all of that complaining, I am going to say that I know how lucky we are that he HAS a decent job and that we CAN pay our bills, even if there is very little left over. I KNOW that things could be sooooo much worse. Please don't think I am not grateful for what we have....I am, I am, I am!

DH is a hard worker and runs an national division out of our family room, but jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze...it's tough on his family right now.

We/I just have to figure out how to adjust to this new phase of our life, so it stops disrupting OUR lives like it is now. We're not doing a very good job of it right now.

Alright, I have to go and find someone to fix our 11 year old dryer, cheaply, now... Phuck.

2-7-11

my brother and my pseudo grandchildren are leaving
going to a better job in another state far away...it's breaking my heart

I feel like I keep losing those I love
and not having anything new come into my life to replace them

my children don't need me much anymore

I haven't smoked in 5 years yet I've been diagnosed with COPD
apparently I'm a blue bloater...explains the weight I can't take off
no matter how hard I try

I'm on so many drugs for my back that Betty Ford would gasp
and now more to help me breathe

the chickens are coming home to roost

I do very little all day
I have no energy
or motivation
or money

I'm a big ol' fat lump of boring dough

5-3-2010

the Indian woman drying her nails next to me, looked straight at me and said "you are an old soul, accepting of all things, judging few....not much new or out of the ordinary fazes you...your soul is truly beautiful"

huh?

color me fazed.

my manicurist said...."uh huh....see?....this is why I was late for your appt. "

I slowly unscrewed my diet coke cap and took a long swallow.
okay, why not? my manicurist and I had talked previously about trying to find a psychic, and here one found us .

so I nodded and said, "well, I guess that I do believe in psychic's, fairy tales and miracles"
she responded with "of course you do.....you've had a miracle occur in your life already"
(which I have! Boychild's birth!)

then I asked her about being a psychic and stuff, and she said she had always been as long as she could remember and as a very young child in India, her parents used to bring people to her and have her tell them stuff and sometimes she would say things like "I don't want to talk to them, they're gonna die" and they would scold her and tell her not to tell people about that and then make her take a shower after the ill-fated person left. when she came to this country, she kept her talents quiet, and now only uses them when she chooses, instead of as a money maker. most often, she uses them to help people who can't quite do it themselves, by praying. when I asked her who she prayd to, she said, the universe, because she refused to be limited to one specific power.
(so cool)

then she said that I am struggling with a decision that I have already made it in my head, but my heart is not quite reconciled with yet. she told me to do what I knew to be right. that it was okay. that my maternal ancesters would understand.
(whooooo baby)

another thing she said was..."when you were young and very ill, did you ask your parents what it was all about?"
( I almost died from the German Measles when I was very young and I do know I was talking nonsense from high fevers. Was that statement part of the nonsense? I'll never know now.....)

she also said that I have had major losses lately that I have not come to terms with yet. I smile and act okay on the outside but on the inside it's turmoil. and that I need to figure out a way to let the world know what I know. I have a lot to share with the world that only I can share and that this is the time for me to share it.
(jesus...my parents, and the book I want to write)

and then as she was leaving, she said....

it's all going to be all right....

and then she was gone
and
tears were streaming down my face

3-11-10

it's getting close to the big decision time...

do I go or do I stay?

PROS FOR GOING CONS FOR GOING
-less stress -it was my mom's life
-less cost, working costs me money -it does pay our cell bill and sometimes
-might find job that actually PAYS gas or the occasional small cash sale
-more family time -if I shut it down now, I can never revive it
-dinners, clean house, laundry always done the loss of reputation will never survive
-Boychild might profit from this....I think he needs me -Corp. would have to go bankrupt
-I'm not doing a wonderful job alone
-less stress less stress less stress
-LESS STRESS!
-I'm can't handle it myself!!!!!
-I'm 52, medicated and trained for little
who's really gonna hire me?
-at least I have somewhere to go everyday
-nephew needs me to have him work here

Do I want my life to be tied up in a store?
Do I want my life to be this full of stress?
Do I want my life to so closely echo my mom's?

Tough choice. Life changing choice.

12-30-1009

I am so ready to put this year behind me

my nephew from ex-best friend who is now just my sister in law has been cutting himself. he cannot live in her cluttered world any more and is now living with his dad, her first husband and is fine as long as he doesn't see her. when he does, he cuts. she calls me to cry when it happens and I cry with her. that's the only time she calls me anymore. when something is horribly wrong or if she needs me to watch her kids. otherwise, I am not part of her life. I am just family and she has decided she is putting her friends before family. she actually told me this. I was there when he was born, I was there when all her children were born, even before she married my brother....she was my sister before she actually was. that used to be a good thing, but now it's a bad thing... then came bob. bob is most of the clutter her son spoke of. bob and his children. bob is an attorney who got fired from his job. yeah. really. I think he is truly evil. she is not having an affair. at least not physically. they fight, argue, scream at each other....I have witnessed it... I do know my brother is aware and glad she has someone else to fight, argue and scream at other than him..he also plays golf with bob because my sister in law tells him to. .. bob encourages my sister in laws mental illness instead of trying to make her better he pushes her deeper into the psychosis she has fought forever . I have been told many times to keep out of it, and for a long time I wouldn't. once her daughter came to me and begged me to tell my brother to get rid of bob and straighten their lives out, and when I went to my brother to tell him this, she reamed me big time for talking to my brother and not her so I gave up and I'm out of it but it doesn't stop me from crying for her and mostly for her children.....and I wish my brother would phucking grow a pair and put an end to this parasite that is strangling his family

they usually spend xmas with her family and I usually spend it with my mom and other brother
but this year, I found out they were staying home and ordering chinese and so were we
so I mentioned that had I known they were home, we could have done it together but
he said no we couldn't 'cause bob was over and no way can me and bob be together y'know
so she texted me to tell me something about her son and asked how my xmas was and I texted back that it was good but would have been better if we were all together eating chinese instead of apart.....haha....maybe next year....

apparantly, me saying that put her in bed crying for the weekend and she said that the reason she can't spend xmas with me ever again is that my other brother is anti-christmas (?) and this is HER holiday (?) and she is too unselfish(?) to make me chose (?) and a whole bunch of other sobbing stuff left on my voicemail....that I could barely understand let alone really UNDERSTAND ......... too much frickin' drama

I went to a funeral of a friends mom who died at 92. we've been friends since we were 12, and her mom always seemed old to me and who woulda thunk that our moms woulda died months apart when they were 21 years apart in age ? I couldn't stop the tears from slippin' outta my eyes at her mom's graveside service.....

frank sinatra sang "my way" on the radio and I had more tears slippin' because sitting on the fresh side of 52, I'm not sure I can sing that song. I've always gone the way that is better for someone else ....better for dh or better for my mom or better for my kids.....I'm not sure I've gone a way that's better for me in a very long time and I'm not real sure I even know how to anymore......and even typing this my eyes are getting drippy 'cause when you become an orphan, one of the things you think about is how you are "next" and your own mortality is suddenly a very big deal and I'm not sure how much time I have left for my way

suddenly, my brothers and my aunt are all "checking in" daily with me, and somehow I've become the anchor for the family and I'm not sure I want that responsibility. It's not my way at all, but it's like it's pre-destined that I do this, that I become this person who is not my mom but does what she did. and how do I not do this? how do I tell those I love not to depend on me when I've always been dependable?

and then comes the big question....the big big question..the big big big question

what is MY WAY?
if this way isn't my way, what is?