2-20-08
I have this strange mental thingie going during the show I'm in...
I can't seem to remember anyone's name on stage.
I call Lorene-Twyla....I call Jenny-Twyla, but I call Twyla-Lorene or Jenny or sometimes Carol.
I call Carol Pryor from Willow Glen-Carol Glen from Willow Glen
I call my customer Mr. McAdams-Mr. Wayne, but I call my boss Mr. Wayne-Mr. Pryor
and even worse, I call my dead husband's mistress (Donna), by my name-Delores
as in...."so what am I gonna find out? that Roland loved Delores (me)? I already knew that"
yesterday, instead of saying...."her daughter died in the arms of someone who loved her very much" I said ....."her husband died in the arms of my daughter"
HUH?????????????????????
I dunno why this is happening. why is my mouth so disconnected from my head?
it's become this huge joke/issue...where the others actors have "plan B's" in case I screw up a name (which I ALWAYS seem to do) they laugh, I wanna cry.
shitdamnfuck
tonight is the final dress rehearsal. we open on friday.
we will have an audience full of people who wanna see the show free tonight
(of course that will include my mom and aunt who take any opportunity to save a buck)
I'm nervous.
I don't feel prepared for this show to open
for the first time, I'm not consistent on stage. I always used to be....that was my m.o.
steady as she goes, same place at the same time...lines delivered exactly the same each time..always there to get someone out of a jam on stage....I was proud of that person.
now it's me who needs the saving...
ugh.
I try so hard to be who I used to be, do what I used to do. I push past pain, I push past exhaustion....I push past who I now am.....but I guess I'm just not pushing enough.
problem is.....I don't have any more push in me
and I can't accept the person I have become
I don't like her.
I can't seem to remember anyone's name on stage.
I call Lorene-Twyla....I call Jenny-Twyla, but I call Twyla-Lorene or Jenny or sometimes Carol.
I call Carol Pryor from Willow Glen-Carol Glen from Willow Glen
I call my customer Mr. McAdams-Mr. Wayne, but I call my boss Mr. Wayne-Mr. Pryor
and even worse, I call my dead husband's mistress (Donna), by my name-Delores
as in...."so what am I gonna find out? that Roland loved Delores (me)? I already knew that"
yesterday, instead of saying...."her daughter died in the arms of someone who loved her very much" I said ....."her husband died in the arms of my daughter"
HUH?????????????????????
I dunno why this is happening. why is my mouth so disconnected from my head?
it's become this huge joke/issue...where the others actors have "plan B's" in case I screw up a name (which I ALWAYS seem to do) they laugh, I wanna cry.
shitdamnfuck
tonight is the final dress rehearsal. we open on friday.
we will have an audience full of people who wanna see the show free tonight
(of course that will include my mom and aunt who take any opportunity to save a buck)
I'm nervous.
I don't feel prepared for this show to open
for the first time, I'm not consistent on stage. I always used to be....that was my m.o.
steady as she goes, same place at the same time...lines delivered exactly the same each time..always there to get someone out of a jam on stage....I was proud of that person.
now it's me who needs the saving...
ugh.
I try so hard to be who I used to be, do what I used to do. I push past pain, I push past exhaustion....I push past who I now am.....but I guess I'm just not pushing enough.
problem is.....I don't have any more push in me
and I can't accept the person I have become
I don't like her.
posted by nameless to protect the innocent at 10:40 AM
4 Comments:
Relax, breath deeply and try to just let it flow.
Oh yeah, and break a leg!
I found your blog yesterday when I was looking up a favorite college professor - Milton C. You wrote a great piece and I thank you for that. I began to read some of your other pieces and found so many similarities between us that I began to think I may know you. As I read on, hoping for a clue, what I did find was that you have been throught alot in the past couple of years. ( I read 2004 & 5) You are an amazing woman. You are an incredible mother and a good business woman and a thriving actress/director to boot. You have achieved more in your 50 years than most do in a lifetime. Don't question yourself and certainly don't stop liking yourself. I just met you and can't help but like you. I admire you and I'm rooting for you. Have a fabulous opening tonight and let it be the beginning of your journey to finding that incredible woman that I stumbled upon yesterday. Maybe you should re read your blogs. They made me laugh, blush, cry but most important, they made me feel. You are charming, talented and gifted. Look again, you may like what you see.
I only just read this posting. How did the play go? I'm sure you nailed it!
Yeah, what Mimzie said, "How did the play go?" You owe us a post Nameless.
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