12-30-1009
I am so ready to put this year behind me
my nephew from ex-best friend who is now just my sister in law has been cutting himself. he cannot live in her cluttered world any more and is now living with his dad, her first husband and is fine as long as he doesn't see her. when he does, he cuts. she calls me to cry when it happens and I cry with her. that's the only time she calls me anymore. when something is horribly wrong or if she needs me to watch her kids. otherwise, I am not part of her life. I am just family and she has decided she is putting her friends before family. she actually told me this. I was there when he was born, I was there when all her children were born, even before she married my brother....she was my sister before she actually was. that used to be a good thing, but now it's a bad thing... then came bob. bob is most of the clutter her son spoke of. bob and his children. bob is an attorney who got fired from his job. yeah. really. I think he is truly evil. she is not having an affair. at least not physically. they fight, argue, scream at each other....I have witnessed it... I do know my brother is aware and glad she has someone else to fight, argue and scream at other than him..he also plays golf with bob because my sister in law tells him to. .. bob encourages my sister in laws mental illness instead of trying to make her better he pushes her deeper into the psychosis she has fought forever . I have been told many times to keep out of it, and for a long time I wouldn't. once her daughter came to me and begged me to tell my brother to get rid of bob and straighten their lives out, and when I went to my brother to tell him this, she reamed me big time for talking to my brother and not her so I gave up and I'm out of it but it doesn't stop me from crying for her and mostly for her children.....and I wish my brother would phucking grow a pair and put an end to this parasite that is strangling his family
they usually spend xmas with her family and I usually spend it with my mom and other brother
but this year, I found out they were staying home and ordering chinese and so were we
so I mentioned that had I known they were home, we could have done it together but
he said no we couldn't 'cause bob was over and no way can me and bob be together y'know
so she texted me to tell me something about her son and asked how my xmas was and I texted back that it was good but would have been better if we were all together eating chinese instead of apart.....haha....maybe next year....
apparantly, me saying that put her in bed crying for the weekend and she said that the reason she can't spend xmas with me ever again is that my other brother is anti-christmas (?) and this is HER holiday (?) and she is too unselfish(?) to make me chose (?) and a whole bunch of other sobbing stuff left on my voicemail....that I could barely understand let alone really UNDERSTAND ......... too much frickin' drama
I went to a funeral of a friends mom who died at 92. we've been friends since we were 12, and her mom always seemed old to me and who woulda thunk that our moms woulda died months apart when they were 21 years apart in age ? I couldn't stop the tears from slippin' outta my eyes at her mom's graveside service.....
frank sinatra sang "my way" on the radio and I had more tears slippin' because sitting on the fresh side of 52, I'm not sure I can sing that song. I've always gone the way that is better for someone else ....better for dh or better for my mom or better for my kids.....I'm not sure I've gone a way that's better for me in a very long time and I'm not real sure I even know how to anymore......and even typing this my eyes are getting drippy 'cause when you become an orphan, one of the things you think about is how you are "next" and your own mortality is suddenly a very big deal and I'm not sure how much time I have left for my way
suddenly, my brothers and my aunt are all "checking in" daily with me, and somehow I've become the anchor for the family and I'm not sure I want that responsibility. It's not my way at all, but it's like it's pre-destined that I do this, that I become this person who is not my mom but does what she did. and how do I not do this? how do I tell those I love not to depend on me when I've always been dependable?
and then comes the big question....the big big question..the big big big question
what is MY WAY?
if this way isn't my way, what is?
my nephew from ex-best friend who is now just my sister in law has been cutting himself. he cannot live in her cluttered world any more and is now living with his dad, her first husband and is fine as long as he doesn't see her. when he does, he cuts. she calls me to cry when it happens and I cry with her. that's the only time she calls me anymore. when something is horribly wrong or if she needs me to watch her kids. otherwise, I am not part of her life. I am just family and she has decided she is putting her friends before family. she actually told me this. I was there when he was born, I was there when all her children were born, even before she married my brother....she was my sister before she actually was. that used to be a good thing, but now it's a bad thing... then came bob. bob is most of the clutter her son spoke of. bob and his children. bob is an attorney who got fired from his job. yeah. really. I think he is truly evil. she is not having an affair. at least not physically. they fight, argue, scream at each other....I have witnessed it... I do know my brother is aware and glad she has someone else to fight, argue and scream at other than him..he also plays golf with bob because my sister in law tells him to. .. bob encourages my sister in laws mental illness instead of trying to make her better he pushes her deeper into the psychosis she has fought forever . I have been told many times to keep out of it, and for a long time I wouldn't. once her daughter came to me and begged me to tell my brother to get rid of bob and straighten their lives out, and when I went to my brother to tell him this, she reamed me big time for talking to my brother and not her so I gave up and I'm out of it but it doesn't stop me from crying for her and mostly for her children.....and I wish my brother would phucking grow a pair and put an end to this parasite that is strangling his family
they usually spend xmas with her family and I usually spend it with my mom and other brother
but this year, I found out they were staying home and ordering chinese and so were we
so I mentioned that had I known they were home, we could have done it together but
he said no we couldn't 'cause bob was over and no way can me and bob be together y'know
so she texted me to tell me something about her son and asked how my xmas was and I texted back that it was good but would have been better if we were all together eating chinese instead of apart.....haha....maybe next year....
apparantly, me saying that put her in bed crying for the weekend and she said that the reason she can't spend xmas with me ever again is that my other brother is anti-christmas (?) and this is HER holiday (?) and she is too unselfish(?) to make me chose (?) and a whole bunch of other sobbing stuff left on my voicemail....that I could barely understand let alone really UNDERSTAND ......... too much frickin' drama
I went to a funeral of a friends mom who died at 92. we've been friends since we were 12, and her mom always seemed old to me and who woulda thunk that our moms woulda died months apart when they were 21 years apart in age ? I couldn't stop the tears from slippin' outta my eyes at her mom's graveside service.....
frank sinatra sang "my way" on the radio and I had more tears slippin' because sitting on the fresh side of 52, I'm not sure I can sing that song. I've always gone the way that is better for someone else ....better for dh or better for my mom or better for my kids.....I'm not sure I've gone a way that's better for me in a very long time and I'm not real sure I even know how to anymore......and even typing this my eyes are getting drippy 'cause when you become an orphan, one of the things you think about is how you are "next" and your own mortality is suddenly a very big deal and I'm not sure how much time I have left for my way
suddenly, my brothers and my aunt are all "checking in" daily with me, and somehow I've become the anchor for the family and I'm not sure I want that responsibility. It's not my way at all, but it's like it's pre-destined that I do this, that I become this person who is not my mom but does what she did. and how do I not do this? how do I tell those I love not to depend on me when I've always been dependable?
and then comes the big question....the big big question..the big big big question
what is MY WAY?
if this way isn't my way, what is?
posted by momo at Monday, December 28, 2009
1 Comments:
I think that you can be an anchor and still do things your way. I think your family just needs someone in common to hold onto. Otherwise, they might all float away.
Make this year about you kay?
Post a Comment
<< Home