namelessnuggets

8-24-11

2011-08-24T09:36:00.004-04:00

I spent most of the summer in Switzerland, helping my brother with his kids.
It was a much, much, much needed retreat for my oh so beaten psyche.

I never wanted to come home where the dirty socks live.
But now that I am, it's back to reality with a vengeance..yes, vengeance.

Life has thrown so much crap at me since I've been back, it's like some"one" is angry that I had the gall to try and take a break.

An extremely sick cat (surgery needed), a house smelling of cat pee, fleas, a broken tooth, a broken dryer, a broken water pipe, the major financial cost behind all of it--stress...stress....stress: all in the first week back

Welcome phuckin' home.

It stinks here....literally and figuratively.

Cat pee...well, unless you have dealt with it, you can't possibly understand. Our beloved Derek had a urinary tract blockage and after over a week in the hospital trying other stuff, ended up having to have a surgery in which they re-routed his urinary tract.

Now we're (mostly I) am dealing with antibiotics and this cone on his head for 14 days (!) so he won't tear out his stitches and he's miserable...trying to groom, and not being able to because of the cone. I'm miserable because he can't make it to the litter box all of the time and the house smells horrible no matter what I do and now we're going to have to replace the carpet and I don't know where that money is going to come from and and and....

I think his incision might be infected and we don't have One. More. Cent. to spend on him. We've already spent way more then we should have, using money set aside to pay taxes at the end of the year. We're gonna have to eat rice and beans for a long time to replace those funds!

Question-Why do I always come here to moan and groan?
Answer- So I don't have to do it in person to anyone else.

As of last month, DH is working out of our home, traveling a couple days a week. His work considers working at home a perk. I do not agree. We do not have an extra room, so his office is our family room. Apparently, he can't work if there is ANY noise in the house, so boychild and I have to tiptoe around. DH bitches at us a lot anyway. Wisely, boychild will take off with friends for most of the day, and I am stuck inventing errands to run to get outta dodge.

When he is out of town, we relax and the house is calm. A hellofa way to live. A hellofa thing to come home to after the serenity of Switzerland.

At least boychild gets to go back to school in a few weeks. I'm going to have to figure out something to do to get out of the house on a regular basis. Otherwise, my marriage may not survive this new job classification.

Okay, now after all of that complaining, I am going to say that I know how lucky we are that he HAS a decent job and that we CAN pay our bills, even if there is very little left over. I KNOW that things could be sooooo much worse. Please don't think I am not grateful for what we have....I am, I am, I am!

DH is a hard worker and runs an national division out of our family room, but jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze...it's tough on his family right now.

We/I just have to figure out how to adjust to this new phase of our life, so it stops disrupting OUR lives like it is now. We're not doing a very good job of it right now.

Alright, I have to go and find someone to fix our 11 year old dryer, cheaply, now... Phuck.

2-7-11

2011-02-07T11:33:00.002-05:00

my brother and my pseudo grandchildren are leaving
going to a better job in another state far away...it's breaking my heart

I feel like I keep losing those I love
and not having anything new come into my life to replace them

my children don't need me much anymore

I haven't smoked in 5 years yet I've been diagnosed with COPD
apparently I'm a blue bloater...explains the weight I can't take off
no matter how hard I try

I'm on so many drugs for my back that Betty Ford would gasp
and now more to help me breathe

the chickens are coming home to roost

I do very little all day
I have no energy
or motivation
or money

I'm a big ol' fat lump of boring dough

5-3-2010

2010-05-03T21:51:00.003-04:00

the Indian woman drying her nails next to me, looked straight at me and said "you are an old soul, accepting of all things, judging few....not much new or out of the ordinary fazes you...your soul is truly beautiful"

huh?

color me fazed.

my manicurist said...."uh huh....see?....this is why I was late for your appt. "

I slowly unscrewed my diet coke cap and took a long swallow.
okay, why not? my manicurist and I had talked previously about trying to find a psychic, and here one found us .

so I nodded and said, "well, I guess that I do believe in psychic's, fairy tales and miracles"
she responded with "of course you do.....you've had a miracle occur in your life already"
(which I have! Boychild's birth!)

then I asked her about being a psychic and stuff, and she said she had always been as long as she could remember and as a very young child in India, her parents used to bring people to her and have her tell them stuff and sometimes she would say things like "I don't want to talk to them, they're gonna die" and they would scold her and tell her not to tell people about that and then make her take a shower after the ill-fated person left. when she came to this country, she kept her talents quiet, and now only uses them when she chooses, instead of as a money maker. most often, she uses them to help people who can't quite do it themselves, by praying. when I asked her who she prayd to, she said, the universe, because she refused to be limited to one specific power.
(so cool)

then she said that I am struggling with a decision that I have already made it in my head, but my heart is not quite reconciled with yet. she told me to do what I knew to be right. that it was okay. that my maternal ancesters would understand.
(whooooo baby)

another thing she said was..."when you were young and very ill, did you ask your parents what it was all about?"
( I almost died from the German Measles when I was very young and I do know I was talking nonsense from high fevers. Was that statement part of the nonsense? I'll never know now.....)

she also said that I have had major losses lately that I have not come to terms with yet. I smile and act okay on the outside but on the inside it's turmoil. and that I need to figure out a way to let the world know what I know. I have a lot to share with the world that only I can share and that this is the time for me to share it.
(jesus...my parents, and the book I want to write)

and then as she was leaving, she said....

it's all going to be all right....

and then she was gone
and
tears were streaming down my face

3-11-10

2010-03-11T14:07:00.002-05:00

it's getting close to the big decision time...

do I go or do I stay?

PROS FOR GOING CONS FOR GOING
-less stress -it was my mom's life
-less cost, working costs me money -it does pay our cell bill and sometimes
-might find job that actually PAYS gas or the occasional small cash sale
-more family time -if I shut it down now, I can never revive it
-dinners, clean house, laundry always done the loss of reputation will never survive
-Boychild might profit from this....I think he needs me -Corp. would have to go bankrupt
-I'm not doing a wonderful job alone
-less stress less stress less stress
-LESS STRESS!
-I'm can't handle it myself!!!!!
-I'm 52, medicated and trained for little
who's really gonna hire me?
-at least I have somewhere to go everyday
-nephew needs me to have him work here

Do I want my life to be tied up in a store?
Do I want my life to be this full of stress?
Do I want my life to so closely echo my mom's?

Tough choice. Life changing choice.

12-30-1009

2009-12-28T14:26:00.003-05:00

I am so ready to put this year behind me

my nephew from ex-best friend who is now just my sister in law has been cutting himself. he cannot live in her cluttered world any more and is now living with his dad, her first husband and is fine as long as he doesn't see her. when he does, he cuts. she calls me to cry when it happens and I cry with her. that's the only time she calls me anymore. when something is horribly wrong or if she needs me to watch her kids. otherwise, I am not part of her life. I am just family and she has decided she is putting her friends before family. she actually told me this. I was there when he was born, I was there when all her children were born, even before she married my brother....she was my sister before she actually was. that used to be a good thing, but now it's a bad thing... then came bob. bob is most of the clutter her son spoke of. bob and his children. bob is an attorney who got fired from his job. yeah. really. I think he is truly evil. she is not having an affair. at least not physically. they fight, argue, scream at each other....I have witnessed it... I do know my brother is aware and glad she has someone else to fight, argue and scream at other than him..he also plays golf with bob because my sister in law tells him to. .. bob encourages my sister in laws mental illness instead of trying to make her better he pushes her deeper into the psychosis she has fought forever . I have been told many times to keep out of it, and for a long time I wouldn't. once her daughter came to me and begged me to tell my brother to get rid of bob and straighten their lives out, and when I went to my brother to tell him this, she reamed me big time for talking to my brother and not her so I gave up and I'm out of it but it doesn't stop me from crying for her and mostly for her children.....and I wish my brother would phucking grow a pair and put an end to this parasite that is strangling his family

they usually spend xmas with her family and I usually spend it with my mom and other brother
but this year, I found out they were staying home and ordering chinese and so were we
so I mentioned that had I known they were home, we could have done it together but
he said no we couldn't 'cause bob was over and no way can me and bob be together y'know
so she texted me to tell me something about her son and asked how my xmas was and I texted back that it was good but would have been better if we were all together eating chinese instead of apart.....haha....maybe next year....

apparantly, me saying that put her in bed crying for the weekend and she said that the reason she can't spend xmas with me ever again is that my other brother is anti-christmas (?) and this is HER holiday (?) and she is too unselfish(?) to make me chose (?) and a whole bunch of other sobbing stuff left on my voicemail....that I could barely understand let alone really UNDERSTAND ......... too much frickin' drama

I went to a funeral of a friends mom who died at 92. we've been friends since we were 12, and her mom always seemed old to me and who woulda thunk that our moms woulda died months apart when they were 21 years apart in age ? I couldn't stop the tears from slippin' outta my eyes at her mom's graveside service.....

frank sinatra sang "my way" on the radio and I had more tears slippin' because sitting on the fresh side of 52, I'm not sure I can sing that song. I've always gone the way that is better for someone else ....better for dh or better for my mom or better for my kids.....I'm not sure I've gone a way that's better for me in a very long time and I'm not real sure I even know how to anymore......and even typing this my eyes are getting drippy 'cause when you become an orphan, one of the things you think about is how you are "next" and your own mortality is suddenly a very big deal and I'm not sure how much time I have left for my way

suddenly, my brothers and my aunt are all "checking in" daily with me, and somehow I've become the anchor for the family and I'm not sure I want that responsibility. It's not my way at all, but it's like it's pre-destined that I do this, that I become this person who is not my mom but does what she did. and how do I not do this? how do I tell those I love not to depend on me when I've always been dependable?

and then comes the big question....the big big question..the big big big question

what is MY WAY?
if this way isn't my way, what is?

12-2-09

2009-12-02T18:56:00.002-05:00

Finishing someone's earthly life is a full time job. Even now, 2 month after the fact, I'm still
spending a coupla hours every day making phone calls or mailing back bills with DECEASED scribbled across them.

And we still haven't cleaned out her house. Arg Ick Phewy What. A. Mess that will be.

But y'know, it's all good. I'm okay....because I don't feel anything.

Every. Single. Day. 2 or 3 people call or come in to the store to tell me how shocked they were, or want to know what happened or worse....ask where she is. Then I get put in the position of apologizing for telling them that my mom died. Awk-ward!

Yeah Yeah Yeah. You're sorry. I'm sorry. We're all sorry.
Yeah, she was sweet. Yeah I loved her too. Yeah Yeah Yeah.

I can't even go to the drugstore without running into someone who smiles when they see me, but then the smile fades quickly into THAT LOOK that says i'msosorryiwasshockedohyoupoorthing
and I want to scream and run, but I don't because I'm well trained in being Socially Correct.

But if I don't feel then I won't have to worry about not being allowed to "move on". I can just shake my head and chuckle to myself about how everyone does the same thing. Obladee obladaa, life goes on for the lemmings.

And I can just put one foot in front of the other , day after day. Wake up every morning from the 'larm clock warning take the 8:15 into the city........and if your trains on time you can get to work by nine and start your slaving job to get your pay and if you ever get annoyed you can be self employeed....look at me I work at nothing all day

ohmamaImissyousomuch.

10-28-09

2009-10-28T18:51:00.002-04:00

It's been close to a year, but I'm still here
I peek in every once in a while, but my fingers have nothing to say

my mom's dead
but life goes on...

obla de obla da

kisses to those who want them

1-2-09

2009-01-02T10:45:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I'm more optimistic or scared about 2009.
Either way, it's here.

I wish you a year full of ...
Love and Light
Happiness and Health
Wealth and Prosperity

12-9-08

2008-12-09T11:55:00.003-05:00

Birthday and/or Christmas/Chanukah and/or just Because You Love Me List

1. A reliable car with HEAT
the heat in my car is barely functioning
it's been a very cold winter and
when it snows or rains the windows fog and
it's difficult to see and dangerous to drive

2. My front tooth either implanted or a bridge
when I had the last back surgery, they knocked my front tooth out
and I've been using a temporary "flipper" ever since. I have to take
it out when I eat and it is always uncomfortable and sometimes
makes me lisp. I HATE it.

3. Girlchild to be able to study abroad next year
she has been accepted into a special international marketing
program, but we can't afford to send her.
It breaks my heart.

4. Boychilds baseball tuition
We'll struggle thru with this 3000 because it gets paid a little
at a time, but I would be able to sleep so much
better if I didn't have to worry about it

6. A GPS
I used to be great with directions, but constantly getting lost
is another part of the "New Me"

12-6-08

2008-12-06T11:02:00.002-05:00

Birfday's coming....I'm soon to make the huge leap to the other side of the 50's

I wonder who people see when they look at me?
I see one me in the mirror and yet another totally different me in photos
And the me inside is completely different than those visual me's
So which of those "Me's" comes thru to John Q Public?

Yesterday, at Starbucks, a late teenish couple of girls complimented me on my coat, then my purse, then said..."actually, we love your whole look....the shirt, the shoes....you really look great". It's amazing how that lifted my spirits, that a coupla young strangers liked the clothes I chose. Boychild was with me and sorta looked me up and down like he was trying to figure out what they were talking about, but he didn't say anything...

So okay, yesterday I had a good clothes day...that outfit is a keeper.

11-12-08

2008-11-12T16:33:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling kinda yucky oogy today
everyone around me is sick so I shouldn't be surprised

boychild has a flu/bug thingie, so he's been at work with me the past few days
sadly, mom feels she has to compete and be "sicker" than him
inphuckin'credible

it snowed yesterday...not much but it stuck to the cars and grass
it wasn't a pretty snow, but rather a rainy, cold, get into your bones sorta snow
no wonder everyone is sick

I'm busy in my life again.
Busy with the theater....(a bit part in "it's a wonderful life")
Busy with a class...( a water aerobics class that I surprisingly love)
Busy running boychild around....(just being a mom)
I like being busy....the normal me is a busy one.

but tonight is open....I am going home to a crock pot roast dinner
and then DH is gonna make a fire in the wood burner and I am
gonna put on my jammies and just veg

because the absolute best part of my normal busy life
is the rare night when I have nothing to do but be with my family

11-6-08

2008-11-06T10:38:00.003-05:00

my romanian grandma would have called him a "colored"
my russian grandma would have called him a"schvartza"
my ignorant neighbor would have called him a "nigger"
now I proudly will call him Mr. President!

boychild and I just had the race talk a few weeks ago
I consider myself pretty color blind
my husband, on the other hand, does not
he's not out and out racist, but he's definately not looking to have
african american's added to his family.

boychild's friends are racially mixed. I chose to raise him that way, despite his fathers
barely hidden racism, chose to send him to a school of diversity, because that is MY way.
2 of his closest friends are african american, but he also has white friends and an indian friend and an asian friend.
except he doesn't see their race. to him they are just craig and julian and bobby and siva and henry.

in our talk, boychild said that he couldn't see marrying a black girl
just like he couldn't see marrying a girl who wasn't jewish
and he asked me if that was racist

I had no idea how to answer that question
so I told him that I didn't know
but I knew that in his heart he was not a racist

then he asked me how I would feel if he married a black girl
I had to think for a minute and then I answered that it wouldn't make
a difference to me but I knew his dad would be horrified.

man....that sucks, huh?

9-24-08

2008-09-24T10:18:00.002-04:00

Boychild is gonna become a Bar Mitzvah on October 11th. I went to his first rehearsal yesterday and was blown away by his poise and skill in reading from the Torah (Hebrew bible) When did he get so grown up?

When he was reading his D'var Torah (the english speech about how his Torah portion relates to his life) the Rabbi stopped him and said, "Oh yeah, I remember this speech, and I was looking forward to meeting the person who wrote it" Then he looked at Boychild for a really long time and said " Hmmm, you're a very special young man with a lot of depth. Now read it again, but slower."

There's a coupla celebrations planned, one for kids that DH and I are throwing at a local amusement park, and one my mom is throwing for basically her friends, because she couldn't stand the thought of her friends not "paying her back" for all the gifts she gave their grandkids. *sigh* Anyway, when she said she was giving this party, she asked me if there was anyone I wanted to invite. So I threw about a dozen people in. Only 8 of them are able to make it. These 8 people are boychild's favorite teacher, the gno's and a friend I've had since college who is pretty much family. It's not like they are random on the fringe people. These are important life people who probably should have been on HER list anyway.

The total of people that are coming to this breuhaha is nearing 100 now and my mom doesn't miss an opportunity to blame that on my "people". Is anyone surprised?

I am trying to listen to her bullcrap with half of one ear. (the semi-deaf one)
Might be the smartest skill I ever master.

The kids party is gonna be sooooooooooo cool. It's a lock in at a go-kart/miniture golf/video game/lazer tag place. The kids will get there at 10 pm and stay until 6 am. They will have a midnight pizza party and a 3 am ice cream social. Continental breakfast is served at 5:30 am. The games will run all night long. Doesn't it sound like a 13 year old's riot???? There are about 60 kids coming. 10 adults have been asked (begged) to be chaperones.

Strange dream last night.
This lady who stopped payment on a check to us at work (insert long, stupid story) to get our "attention"
had 2 sets of eyelashes on her eyes.
Anyone care to guess what that might mean?????

9-18-08

2008-09-18T16:44:00.005-04:00

This is my nephew's homework.....

He's only 5! (altho he's in the 2nd grade) He's a certifiable genius, but he still just turned 5 at the end of August. Does my brother have his hands full or what?

(In case you didn't get it...the teacher screwed up and wrote Joe in the second sentence instead of Josh)

9-6-08

2008-09-06T10:06:00.002-04:00

the black squirrels have made it east of middlebelt.

black squirrels are a species that were totally indigenous to the upper part of michigan
then, one day, I noticed them on the west side of middlebelt/south of 10
never anywhere else.
other than "up north", they were only in that one square mile area
it was strange how they never crossed the square mile border line.

then I started seeing squirrels that were half brown/half black.
the capulets were messing with the montagues!

but today when I was driving to work, I saw a black squirrel about a mile away from their "territory"
the homies were'nt at home!

the whole thing is like some great social experiment, isn't it?

8-28-08

2008-08-28T14:29:00.002-04:00

Did'ja miss me? No really. Did you?

We spent a week in Cooperstown, New York with boychild . Nestled in the Catskill Mts., Cooperstown is absolutely beautiful. It's the home of the Baseball Hall of Fame and a few years ago, a very smart man decided to open a place called the Cooperstown Dreams Park, where talented 12 y/o boys could spend a week in intense baseball competition. The boys sleep in barracks with their teams and their parents find other lodging. It is like Disneyland for 12year old boys. Boychild's team came in 32nd out of 99 teams. He was in Heaven.

Most of the team chipped in to rent a mansion of a house, but, out of necessity, we went the cheaper route ($1700 vs. $170) of camping and had a fabulous, relaxing and rejuvenating week.

Girlchild moved into an apt. for her junior year at MSU. she is so happy. I am so happy that she is so happy. funny how that works

I'm feeling better. Both mentally and physically. The week off was medicine for my soul. When the soul is healed, the body follows. Nuff said.

7-15-08

2008-07-14T12:01:00.003-04:00

I know it's been a long time....I'm sorry if you've been concerned

being on the sorta drugs I'm on has affected my life in many ways
it makes it very difficult to function the way I used to
it takes everything in me to make it thru a normal day of work and parenthood
my dr. has told me that I am functioning at an amazingly high level
which doesn't mean squat to me, because I am not a fraction of the person I was before

my social life is close to non-existent (I just don't have anything left at the end of the day) I have a hard time paying bills (I double pay, forget to pay, never get around to paying, pay the wrong amount), cleaning the house (I have a hard time realizing the house needs to be cleaned, let alone cleaning it), grocery shopping....(I can't seem to follow a list, remember what I need or buy the right brand...yeah yeah yeah, I know....so do you, but I never did before)

I don't remember words for things...I'll call the television remote the "boxie thingie", or the dishwasher the "hot thing with slots", I get distracted easily and sometimes can't remember things 10 seconds after I was told them. I forget to do things like renew prescriptions or attend wedding showers after responding yes.

I'm fat. Huge. Gigantor. Bigger than I ever was or thought I would be. I can't seem to lose weight no matter how hard I try (and it takes a herculean effort on my end to do so day in and out) diets require advance preparation. (right, exactly what I need....more stuff to take care of) plus, research has shown that 2 of the drugs I'm on cause weight gain. Yippie ki oh!!

oh and I sweat....lord how I sweat.
I am the fat sweaty lady who lives down the street.

DH says saying stupid shit like...."they need to fix you"
well, duh dingo.

I try very very hard to stay positive
It's who I am....err, used to be
But it's so hard.
So frikkin' hard.

so.
in case you wondered, that's where I've been
blogging falls to the end of the things I have to think about list

I'll be here when I can be

6-16-08

2008-06-16T19:55:00.002-04:00

no matter which way I turn, it's all phucked up...
every last bit of it.

welcome to my life.

5-26-08

2008-05-27T10:54:00.004-04:00

this is oddly addicting....
in the ten minutes of my life that I gave it, the highest score I could get was a 316.7....
I love when he lands on his head.....

5-16-08

2008-05-16T10:57:00.002-04:00

"The art of racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein takes you thru the life and death of a dog named Enzo, and how he hopes to be reincarnated as a man because ... "not all dogs return as men , only those who are ready", and Enzo is ready. Enzo narrates the story and discusses the human condition like he understands it completely. I love this story and keep looking at my dog, Joe...and wondering....

I constantly give my animals a voice....Joe is very gruff and says "huh?" alot, Murray has a gangsta thing going on and the manx, Derek has a cartooney bugs bunny sorta squeek. My kids roll their eyes when Joe wants to be fed and keeps running back and forth to his bowl, and I say (in my scratchy throaty Joe-voice) "Hey Red..huh?..it's chowtime..huh?..what's the hold up, huh?", or as Murray meows to go out for the eleventy millionth time, I'll help him announce "It's hood time homey", or best of all...when Derek cleanses...."Between the toes, 'nibble-nibble' gotta get between the toes"...

I KNOW for a fact that our pets understand most of what happens in our household. They are tuned into our rhythms and rhymes. When I was very sick, Murray laid his entire body along mine...sharing his energy Joe has a knack for knowing when I'm, leaving the house and Derek is there if you even THINK about food.

And they all have their issues....Joe gets freaked out when there's severe weather....okay ANY weather....even a little drizzle of rain sends him into my bed for comfort. Murray isn't that big of a cuddler, unless he initates it and Derek adores my husband more than any other living creature.

We even have a half cat.....Charlie, who visits our home twice daily for food....eats, cleanses, purrs, stretches and leaves. He never comes inside, but loves a good back scratch.

If my kids had their way we would own every animal that they came across (okay, me too) but my husband claims that anyone who houses more animals than people is officially white trash.

I'm not sure if we own our animals or they own us, but I know that our life has been enriched because of them.

a ha and a oy and a sigh and a yay

2008-05-06T14:53:00.003-04:00

1st text from girlchild....."I made deans list...yay!"
2nd text from girlchild....."I need to be tested for ADD"
ha

every time my mom comes across something done poorly, she insists that it was done by a non-jew (a GOY)
oy

my spinal stimulator is good but not great
it gives me some relief, but not total
I've only been able to drop one dose of meds a day...and on rough days, not even that
sigh

the lilacs are blooming
yay

4-28-08

2008-04-28T10:09:00.002-04:00

spring sprung last tuesday..........literally!
when I left for work in the morning, the blossoms of the magnolia tree were all tightly furled
but when I got home that evening, they had magnificently bloomed

it's been 20 days since my last entry..............way too long
I would compose a post in my head, but couldn't seem to find the time to put "pen to paper"
and when I finally had a few minutes, the words were gone

is the farmers almanac trustworthy? I'm thinking of planning an outdoor event on Oct. 12th and the almanac says October will be warmer than usual....

last night I dreamt that I was getting $5900 back in taxes...imagine my disappointment when I woke up....

this post sucks

4-8-08

2008-04-08T11:19:00.004-04:00

I have my own special agent.
Yep, I really do.

He works for the email fraud division of the secret service and he's become my friend. I send him the "please save my government" emails and he solves them. We've become half assed friends and every now and then we send a "hi how are you?" email or pick up the phone to see what's going on...the only problem is that I can't seem to break him of calling me "ma'am".

Okay, so maybe he's not really "my own special agent", but having him in my life somehow makes me feel safer.

I can't seem to wake up in the mornings lately. Given the opportunity, I would sleep till noon. I have never, ever been like that before. I know it's drug induced. But it's like I don't wanna leave my dreams....and eventually the morning intrudes on them and whatever I'm dreaming takes on the traits of real life. The gentle trilling of a bird is actually the buzzing of my alarm clock sorta thing. And it just pisses me off-every. single. time.

Boychild starts baseball this weekend...the season begins! It's supposed to snow this weekend.
Gotta love Michigan.

Did you watch the office last night? Omigod, I lol'd. Literally. When Michael said...."snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip.....having 3 vascectomy's is very trying on your body".....I gorgled. I love-love-love that show. I also love the Tudors. Mano'man, I would so do Jonathan Rhys Meyers . And I love Lost and Ugly Betty . But I am almost embarrased to admit to the one show I never, ever miss...Rock of Love with Brett Michaels. I get so worked up over who should stay and who should leave.

yesterday, someone told me that I look better than I have in years
guess this stimulator thingie is working, huh?

4-1-08

2008-04-01T13:20:00.003-04:00

today is the birthday of every pet we've ever had
or at least my kids think so
when asked when the dogs/cats/fishes birthdays are
my stock answer is always april 1st
you'd think they'd catch on by now, wouldn't you?

when the kids were small and we used to rent a cabin up north
the first thing we'd do upon arrival was set the clocks forward 2 hours
that way, the kids would be able to stay up until "midnight"
(because it was vacation)
but the parents would be able to begin relaxing at the real time of 10
(because it was vacation)

years ago, a friend's kids would swear their disgust (complete with face making) at "liver", yet, every wednesday, they would eagerly devour their dinner of "fried beef & onions"
I have to remember to ask her when they learned the truth

my dad told me he was bald
because he went outside with wet hair and it all froze off!
I believed him until I was way too old

3-25-08

2008-03-25T10:16:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling great. Really, really good. I am almost pain free for the first time in what seems like forever. Next month, I'm gonna start being "weaned" off the drugs I'm taking and we will see how far I can go. I'm hoping for all the way!!!

Right now I'm only allowed to walk. The weather here hasn't exactly been conducive to a stroll, so I've been a slacker. But starting tomorrow, no more slacking! Even if I just manage a block, it's a start, right? My fat dog needs the exercise, too!

We are so broke it's scary. Broke, like $5 to our name broke. Gotta love Michigan's economy. DH wants to move south. He keeps saying stuff like "I don't think I can do another winter here" or "Why do we live here?" and "This winter was a waste of 4 months of my life." His parents moved to Louisiana at our age....the difference was that they got paid to do so with a new job. That is so far from our current situation.

I dunno what's gonna happen. Part of me wants to sell everything we own and live in a trailer on the beach...the other part says...."but, but, but.....family/work/friends"...

Yet another day in the life of a nameless blogger.

3-18-08

2008-03-18T11:35:00.002-04:00

in typical nameless style, there were complications after surgery (of course there were!), but things have finally settled down and I'm feeling real good. I am hopeful and optimistic.....keep your fingers crossed, 'k?.....

I need your help with a problem

I have found out that my nephew has a daughter
and apparently, he isn't involved in her life at all
I know he went to court at one point (probably for child support)
he is probably making those payments
(no mention was made of financial neglect, but the 18 year old mom is dirt poor)
his dad (my brother) is an attorney....but I dunno if he knows about it
I don't think he could and not claim her, but who the heck knows?
his mother (my EX-sister in law) is insane...literally
I have no idea if she knows or not...
I would not be surprised if she did and didn't care
I know for a fact no one else in my family knows

I need your help in deciding what to do?

Do I tell my brother? Do I contact the baby's mother?

this is agonizing

3-7-08

2008-03-07T10:30:00.004-05:00

Closing weekend is upon us.....
It's been a great run.......maybe the best experience ever for me, theater-wise
I'm usually a victim of end of show depression,
but this time I'll probably be fine because....

Monday is surgery!
I'm finally gonna get the spinal stimulator

Here comes the beginning of the rest of my life.

2-29-08

2008-02-29T11:54:00.003-05:00

I know, I know....I've been busy at work, at home and at play
this show is taking it's toll on me.....but I love it.
we hadda great opening weekend and I've gotta lotta people coming to see it this weekend

sister-in-law/best friend is flaking out again
she can't handle....anything
no, for real....she can't....everything sets her off.....she freaks, cries, wrings her hands....
she doesn't work, she doesn't clean....I dunno what she does with her time or why she can't get anything done

not only has she not done the last coupla things she said she was gonna do for me (make curtains/do my extensions), she is now promising more that I know she won't/can't do and will only set her up for another fall....I tried to convince her I don't need the things she promises...I don't want them if they stress her out. I just want her to be happy and sane but I don't know how to help her. she's so fragile. I worry about her. I worry about my brother.

the gno's got together last night. as usual, it was great
lots of ranting...lots of supporting
we finally exchanged Kwanzaa presents.....and the one I received sucked
it's a ridiculous leopard bomber hat...about 2 sizes too small for me
girlchild doesn't even want it...dunno what H. was thinking when she got it for me
it's definitely a regiftable

it's snowing like crazy outside.....major storm...about 5" so far and still falling
beautiful but I'm over the snow thing for a while....time for spring to sprung...

our wonderful mayor may finally be "recalled"
the shit is gonna hit the proverbial fan now ......yes it t-i-s tis
(a dj said that this morning and I liked it!)
the supreme court denied his request to keep his text msgs. private
I wonder if how he sleeps at night?

and yet another shocking development.....
my 7th grade boychild told me that there are no more chalkboards in school
in fact, he doesn't EVER remember a chalkboard being in school
all the classrooms have whiteboards instead
that means a whole culture is gone...no more will students clap erasers
the smell of chalk is just another thing our children will never understand......
do you remember the smell of the ink used on school handouts?
dang, I can't remember what it was called....the way copies were made....can you?

2-20-08

2008-02-20T10:40:00.001-05:00

I have this strange mental thingie going during the show I'm in...
I can't seem to remember anyone's name on stage.

I call Lorene-Twyla....I call Jenny-Twyla, but I call Twyla-Lorene or Jenny or sometimes Carol.
I call Carol Pryor from Willow Glen-Carol Glen from Willow Glen
I call my customer Mr. McAdams-Mr. Wayne, but I call my boss Mr. Wayne-Mr. Pryor

and even worse, I call my dead husband's mistress (Donna), by my name-Delores
as in...."so what am I gonna find out? that Roland loved Delores (me)? I already knew that"

yesterday, instead of saying...."her daughter died in the arms of someone who loved her very much" I said ....."her husband died in the arms of my daughter"
HUH?????????????????????

I dunno why this is happening. why is my mouth so disconnected from my head?
it's become this huge joke/issue...where the others actors have "plan B's" in case I screw up a name (which I ALWAYS seem to do) they laugh, I wanna cry.

shitdamnfuck

tonight is the final dress rehearsal. we open on friday.
we will have an audience full of people who wanna see the show free tonight
(of course that will include my mom and aunt who take any opportunity to save a buck)

I'm nervous.
I don't feel prepared for this show to open
for the first time, I'm not consistent on stage. I always used to be....that was my m.o.
steady as she goes, same place at the same time...lines delivered exactly the same each time..always there to get someone out of a jam on stage....I was proud of that person.

now it's me who needs the saving...
ugh.

I try so hard to be who I used to be, do what I used to do. I push past pain, I push past exhaustion....I push past who I now am.....but I guess I'm just not pushing enough.

problem is.....I don't have any more push in me
and I can't accept the person I have become

I don't like her.

2-18-08

2008-02-18T13:10:00.002-05:00

I started to write about how they turned off my phone 'cause I don't have money to pay the bill...

I started to write about how mom went to buy a coffee maker, but bought diet coke instead because she couldn't remember what she went to buy...

I started to write about how as much pain I have been in lately...

but I realized that you don't want to hear me cry.....

2-14-08

2008-02-14T10:53:00.005-05:00

my husband is a good man. a hard worker. kind and honest.
a great father, husband and friend.
we've been married 20 years.

but the last (and only) time I ever got anything for valentines day was just last year. I came home and found a gorgeous tiffany vase with a bouquet of the most unique and colorful flowers I had ever seen. I smiled and smelled them, then walked into the family room, hugged my husband and softly said...."so what did you do?"

he ummm'd and errrr'd for a while, protesting that it was purely a romantic valentines gesture, but I knew better.

it finally came out that a guy at work had received them and since they were from his girlfriend instead of his wife, he traded them to my husband for a ham sandwich

when he asked for the gorgeous tiffany vase back, I told him to bite my all too ample lily white ass

2-11-08

2008-02-11T16:11:00.001-05:00

I bought a big bag of good n' plenty at sam's
I'm plowing thru them like there's no tomorrow.....
when was the last time you ate them?
it had been years for me.

I rarely eat candy that isn't chocolate
except for swedish fish.....I heart me some swedish fish.

I have always wanted to direct the play "Wait Until Dark"
I did a workshop on it a few years ago....a short snippet from the show and it was very well received

I have never suggested the title to our play reading committees because I wanted to wait until I knew I had time to direct it.

A good friend of mine, T., KNOWS I love the show. we've talked about it at length.

now it looks like this friend is throwing me under the bus, kicking me to the curb....stealing MY show... because he emailed me today wanting me to do it next year. I told him I couldn't and told him why (some very valid reasons on top of simply taking a stand about an issue at the theater) and his response was...."so it should never be done at our theater until YOU'RE ready?" in a very snotty way and told me that he really has a "hard on" for the show. I told him to do what he thought was right, but to be prepared for the consequences (ie: the ire of nameless) and told him it would be on the top 10 list of shitty things he has done to me. Sadly, this is about 4 on the list.

wait a minute....did I say he was a good friend?

good friends don't do that shit.

my sister in law/best friend has a "good friend" named bob.
I'm not a people hater. I can find the good in everyone. I really can.
errr, almost everyone.
except for bob

bob is very attractive, physically. at first meeting (okay, maybe even second and third) he appears charming, witty and fun. a successful attorney. a good addition to your friends.

but he really is a bloodsucker
he had previously gone thru 2 of my friends...sucked everything out of them and left them, dry and spent......emotional wrecks, while he sought out his next victim...my sister in law/best friend. people think they are having an affair. she swears they aren't. haven't. won't. I have asked her dead on. she swears it is just friendship. never physical. ew, she says. she wouldn't even IF HE COULD, which he can't. she says. too many meds.

he is an abuser. I have seen him almost raise a hand in anger to someone...pulling back at the last moment. he has anger issues. he is very needy. and destructive

they fight. horribly. constant bickering, sometimes yelling. he text msgs. her constantly and gets upset when she doesn't immediately respond. calling and asking her why she's ignoring him. he doesn't want her to have other friends. he berates me constantly. points out things I have done or said, reading between lines that aren't there, twisting, weaving, distorting. he tells her I don't want him to be friends with her. funny thing is, I didn't even think twice about their relationship, until she told me that. why would I care who else she is friends with? our friendship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if I did. besides, that's just not me. at all.

I worry. not about losing her as a friend. she is more my sister. I won't lose her.
but I worry about what will happen when he follows his pattern and leaves her in the dust.
she's not very stable. never has been. I have spoken to my brother, her husband. told him I didn't think bob was a good friend. he agreed, but also said he is powerless to do anything.

she's not innocent in this sick relationship, tho. she tells me that she knows how he is. claims she understands him. she thinks she can "save" him.
but at what price?

good friends don't do that shit.

2-6-08

2008-02-06T13:02:00.000-05:00

sometimes I am amazed at the depths of human stupidity

I answer my phone at work with a cheery "good morning, blankety blank invitations"
and at least once a week, I get the question.."do you sell invitations?"
(no, I just like to talk about it)
at least once a DAY, I hear..."how much are your invitations?"
(would you friggin' call macy's and ask how much their shirts are?)

when I managed a shopping center, occasionally a door's mechanism would break.
so we would lock it and put a huge sign on it that asked people to use a different door
(most people must not read signs because 90% of them would try to first push and then pull the locked door)

having once been a teacher, someone saying"I seen this man..."
sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard to me

and of course I'm driven crazy by the ol' "to, two and too" and "their, there and they're" mistakes, but that's just my issue....not really an indication of stupidity, just ignorance.

p.s. I know I don't capitalize, and I ellipsis the hell outta my posts, but that's just to portray personality and *gasp* laziness on my part

2-4-08

2008-02-04T15:57:00.001-05:00

there is a certain type of relationship that exists only at the theater

there's a switch that is flicked on when you spend a lot of time with someone exploring raw emotions. the relationships are intimate and intense. they form like firespots....exploding in a blaze of heat, but then evaporating into friendly casualness when the show is over. I think that's why a lot of famous folk hook up when they do a show together. chemistry comes easy when you pretend hard enough.

when you're playing a role, you have to lay out every emotion you've ever felt, analyze them, and figure out another way to react to them. it is a sometimes painful, always enlightening experience.

delores, the woman I'm playing, is strong and reliable. she is one of those people that other people go to when they have a problem. she was married forever and had, what she and everyone else thought, was a strong marriage. the success story. delores and roland....ice cream and cake....milk and sugar.....some things just belong together.

the author doesn't let us know exactly what happened, but the way I see the story playing out, is that one day, while delores was at work at the bank, her house burnt down. when they dug thru the ashes, they found the burned remains of roland and his mistress.

SMACK! double whammy right across the eyes.
not only does delores have to deal with losing every earthly possession, but now she has to face the truth of a less than perfect marriage and the loss of the only thing that could help her get thru this nightmare.......the love of a husband.

in figuring out how to portray this emotion laden situation, I have had to examine some intense feelings.....turn them inside out, upside down, wring them out, and then try them back on

sometimes I'm lucky and they fit and I can lock them in place
but sometimes I'm not and I have to go thru the whole process from another vantage point

no wonder some stars are so whacked.

2-1-08

2008-02-01T13:30:00.000-05:00

I have.....

1. a thing for aquariuses. my husband, my 2 closest friends, the guy I almost married...all of them were aquarius

2. a thing for soft things....I stroke velvet, velour, silk, my hair when it's freshly washed.
I am very tactile. I also have a hard time resisting picking a scab. it's torturous

3. an itch spot. it's just below my left shoulder blade and I can't reach it on my own. I once asked my mom to scratch it and found out that she has the exact same itch spot. her sister chimed in and said she USED to have it, but her dr. did something to her that made it stop itching forever. I swear.

4. a cpap machine. when I go to bed at night I look like hannibal lector (or so DH says).
Since I have had it, I sleep more soundly and much longer than I ever have. I heart my cpap.

5. an exemption to "do" Clint Eastwood. Will someone please let him know? I gotta use that exemption while the using is good....he's getting old.

1-31-08

2008-01-31T12:53:00.000-05:00

when I commented on the undertoad's post about a bus ride, I called people watching a sport.
but now that I think about it, it's more of an art.

my absolute favorite place to watch people is NYC

when I smoked, at night I used to lean on the cement stoops outside the Marriott Marquis, smoke half a dozen cigarettes and people watch.

the 20-something big haired girls all glamed up for a night on the town. toitering on 3 inch heels, carrying fake designer bags from canal street

the exhausted parents... wearing tennis shoes and carrying bags from the Hershey store, trying to keep track of over-stimulated kids in the crush of the times square crowds, fantasizing about dumping the kids and having a cocktail or three

the "wanna buy a watch" street peddler....wearing layer upon layer of clothing, eyes shifting here and there, looking for his fortune at the misfortune of others

the ugly man with a rolex and a busty blonde on his arm....spending money and making himself more attractive in both of their eyes..

sometimes I wonder if anyone is people watching me and if they would even come close to seeing who I really am? would they see past the middle aged, overweight mom to figure out who I become at the swingers parties?

gotta laugh.

1-28-08

2008-01-28T14:46:00.000-05:00

so our mayor has done it again.

well, not actually MY mayor. the mayor of the suburb I live in is actually a good friend of mine
but the mayor of detroit is the idjit of whom I speak

this same mayor got into a heap o'trouble just before the last election about his wife's navagator being charged to the city, rumors of wild parties, dead prostitiutes and lavish travel

but the wise citizens of detroit re-elected the man who wears $5000 custom made suits on an poverty stricken city's elected official salary

so this time, some text msgs. were discovered that have resulted in charges of perjury. see, a few years ago, while on a witness stand during a whistleblower case, he was accused of having an affair...of course he denied, denied, denied it. now these newly discovered text msgs. are proving that he *gasp* lied.

I smugly thought that this was it. finally the crook done been caught and his reign would end
and it looked that way at first.

but believe it or not, the tide is starting to sway a bit and we're starting to hear stuff from his minister like "he asked if he should resign, but I told him to hold fast, the city needs him" or from someone on the city council "he's just immature, he'll age well"

WTF?

a mayor can cost his poverty stricken city millions of dollars on a trial he doesn't bother to tell the truth during and he's just immature? ( there was an article that actually laid out the costs he incurred and how many police officers it could have paid for)

how dare he do that to THIS city in THIS state during THIS time?
it's just all phucked up and I don't understand how the citizen's of detroit aren't roaring in rage
how can they even THINK about rallying behind him?
how can he not be charged with ANYTHING?

oy.

1-24-08

2008-01-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

my good friend, edge ,has declared January "Ex's are Assholes" month.
in honor of the proclamation, I am starting a new meme

1. tell your worst ex story

now, I don't really have a bad ex story...first of all, I'm still in my first and hopefully only marriage, and secondly.....all of my dating ex's have been pretty good after the break up. so, instead, I'm gonna tell you my worst break up story (this is pretty typical of me, y'know.....breaking rules that I make)

he was my 21st bday present. my soul mate had decided to find the "man of my dreams" for me in a local rock n' roll bar and he fit my demands of tall, dark and handsome. the connection was immediate. a few weeks after we met, we realized that we had been hooked up on a blind date several years prior, yet hadn't remembered each other when we met again. that seemed to reinforce the kismet connection we had. "it was meant to be" and all that bull crap.

we moved in together. I was head over heels in love
I was gonna spend the rest of my life with him
yada yada yada

one day, like every other day, he kissed me goodbye as we left for work
he called me at lunchtime to see how my day was going
he got home from work at the usual time, sat down for dinner and told me that he didn't love me anymore.

I ranted, cried, pouted, begged .....whatever
but eventually I moved out and went upon the business of mourning...

a few weeks after I moved out, he called. he said he had made a horrible mistake. he told me he missed me, loved me, couldn't live without me. my heart soared and I put on my sexiest lingerie to welcome him back into my bed and heart. I kept my new apartment but saw him almost every day after work and he would spend the night.

exactly 2 weeks later, I received a hysterical phone call from a mutual friend.
once I calmed her down enough to understand what she was saying, I learned that she had just received a wedding invitation in the mail for a girl she had never heard of and guess who as the groom? you got it. the love of my life.

it turns out that he had been seeing this girl on the side for quite a while, got her pregnant and was marrying her. I dunno how he found time to see her, but he obviously had.

after I could breathe again, I called him and asked if he had forgotten to tell me about something.....he asked, with apparent sincerity, what that could be....and when I said, "a wedding", his response was a flat..."oh. that."

and with those 2 words
oh.
that.
came, what I feel, was the worst all time dumping in history
a double dump
a double dog dump

*sigh*
ok. well. um.

your turn.

1-23-08

2008-01-23T14:03:00.000-05:00

DH told me I havta hurry and get my pain taken care of because he has BIG plans for me

he wants me to become a lesbian
yep.
you heard me right
that's what my darling husband of 20 years wants
for
me
to
become
a
lesbian

oy

now I ask you, how does one go about such a thing?

1-21-08

2008-01-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

on top of everything else....I have a wicked cold now
it's fates proverbial cherry on top way of saying...."so there!"

I'm trying to get my surgery rescheduled
it's the worst kind of "trying", too.... back and forth from insurance company to doctor, dealing with automated phone systems and 299 wrong people before finding the right person who says there is a fraction of a chance they can help you......y'know what I'm talking about...it's frustrating, dehumanizing and demoralizing

one of my friends said not to worry. I'm gonna have this surgery with or without the insurance company. she's rough drafting plans to fundraise for me. ha. wanna come to a bowling fundraiser?
she cracked me up, but she also energized me...I heart my friends.

supposed to be "off book" today for 5 tellers. I'm pretty sure of my lines in the first act, haven't even begun to learn the second, tho. give me a break. I'm 50, haven't been in a show for four years and am on major narcotics. learning lines is difficult for me. it never used to be

boychild loves running lines with me....he's a rough taskmaster....makes me dot my i's and cross my t's. I think he knows the entire show by heart

btw...he got all a's and one b on his progress report...he's hoping for all a's by report card time.
amazing. hard to believe he was labeled as "OHI" (otherwise health impared) in elementary school and was working with modified lessons and an aide. academically, he has just blossomed this year. he is even manager of the middle school credit union!

girlchild broke up with her long-time boyfriend. so sad because I fell in love with him and I have no control over whether he stays in my life. strange. she broke up with him because of his over-involved mom who supposedly runs boyfriends life. she told me that his mom isn't going to get better (wisdom!) she also pointed out that thru most of high school and all of college so far, she has had a boyfriend. she has never been single and had a chance to flit and flirt. she needs a chance to be a "wild n'crazy college student"

oy

but she is smart, well-grounded and has a good head on her shoulders. I trust her judgement in this. actually, I trust her judgement in most things.

my car is dead again. something in the ignition switch itself, the key won't turn. so I'm driving our manual transmission, 1991 ford ranger pickup until it's fixed. the manual clutch kills my left leg (which is the leg mainly affected by my back) girlchild's little white nissan is dead, too. it needs about $1000 (that we don't have) worth of work. she doesn't need it at college so we're hoping to fix it by the time she's home for the summer. luckily, Dh drives a company car. how sad is it that a 17 year old truck is our best vehicle right now?

I know that stuff is just stuff and cars are just stuff and I am so lucky to have such great kids
they light up my life............(hey, that should be a song!)no really, they do. they really do.

even tho my blessings are many, I still have to say that..........

poverty sucks

1-17-08

2008-01-17T10:33:00.000-05:00

mental poo's post on "mooge"(now to be known as my preferred word, "splooey") collection, reminded me of the days long past of infertility...

the first medical step is to test the man's splooey, so DH was given a cup, sent into a room with a buncha magazines and told to produce a sample.....he flashed me a ...."help me" sorta look as he disappeared into the...um, work room. a half hour later, he sheepishly handed his splooey to the nurse and told me he never wanted to talk about the experience again.

done deal, right?
wrong.

the next day, the nurse called and said we had to come back in because there was something wrong with DH's sample.

apparently, when DH's "sample" was ready to .....um, er, ah....."shoot", his aim wasn't so great and he.....MISSED THE CUP (stop laughing!) and watched in horror as his splooey splattered all over the floor.

a normal person would admit this (and I understand it would be horribly embarrassing and hard to do), but not my DH...no siree bob...instead, he SCOOPED it off the floor and into the cup.

good times, huh?
(giggle giggle snort snort)

oh....and this is in no way, shape or form related to this incident, but I was looking thru my visitor log (which I rarely do) and noticed that there is someone checking in on a semi-regular basis from Henry Ford Hospital in my area.....come out come out whoever you are.......

1-15-08

2008-01-15T10:13:00.000-05:00

surgery was cancelled (hopefully just postponed) due to a last minute insurance snafu

apparently, the dr's billing office didn't get the paperwork in on time, so the insurance dr. who is supposed to approve the surgery, denied it due to lack of evidence that I needed it
now the whole thing has to be resubmitted and approval is not guaranteed

we found all this out at 9 am yesterday, 2 hours before I was supposed to be there
I was mere minutes from being pain-free...

inphuckin'credible and all so friggin' typical of the way my life has been the last 2 years

karma......I'm tellin' you.......it's karma biting me in the all too ample ass.

1-11-08

2008-01-11T10:58:00.000-05:00

surgery is monday....it's gonna be a bigger deal than I thought
dr. said off work for AT LEAST 2 weeks
oy
so when I told my mom...she poo-poo'd it and said she was giving me 2 days (or she would commit suicide...yeah, that's literally what she said...that she would commit suicide....but she's not trying to make me feel guilty...nonono.....*sigh*)
so I told her that the dr. said I had to be "still" because the device they were embedding in me had to form scar tissue around it so it wouldn't move....and she said that I could be "still" here as well as at home (inphuckingpossible)
oy
the dr. STRESSED how important it was for me to NOT work
he said if I didn't follow instructions, the procedure would be a failure
oy
remember when my mom called my dr.????
perhaps I should have this dr. call her?
heeheehee

I gotta laugh or I'm gonna cry

1-4-08

2008-01-04T10:40:00.000-05:00

last night was the first rehearsal of "5 tellers dancing in the rain"
it was sooooo much fun......whatta cast we have! wooooohoooooooo, it's gonna be a hellofashow!
the director was blown away and said the first scene was almost stage ready.....but the second one showed how much work we havta do....*grin*

about 9:30ish, things started blurring for me.....I was done (even tho the rehearsal wasn't!) I was having a problem putting one foot in front of the other and seeing words clearly on the script....my sister-in-law/best friend said that it wasn't obvious, but it still happened. it scared me a little, but then I decided to not be so hard on myself during the first rehearsal. my stamina will build back up.

meanwhile, I've got me some more lines to learn this weekend.

have you ever heard the story about jesus and a man who complained his load in life was too heavy? well, jesus let him try on other loads and told him he could pick which ever one he wanted. after trying them all on, he picked the lightest one and it turned out to be his original load....

I'm hurting a lot today.
And I'm trying to remember it's just my load.....

1-3-08

2008-01-03T10:05:00.000-05:00

I'm scheduled to get the spinal stimulator in a few weeks.......

BUT.....(I hate that damn BUT) the shrink I'm seeing (part of the "protocol" to get this thing) told me that for someone in chronic pain, I'm extremely "functional". I'm worried that he might decide I don't need the stimulator because I'm so "functional".

WTF ?????

Every single thing I do, every footstep I take is difficult. I have to push thru pain to even sit on the friggin' toilet. It's difficult to do anything....and the effort I have to put out is exhausting. I sit in my car until I have the energy (and gumption) to put weight on my left leg. I plan my day around how many trips up the stairs I'll have to take. A grocery store excursion puts me out of commission for the rest of the day. Is that what "functional" is? Is that all I'm allowed out of life now? To be "functional"?

Maybe I'm "functional" for most people, but I'm no where NEAR functioning at the level I used to. NO. WHERE. NEAR.

This shrink scares me. I need him to understand how much I need this stimulator.

1-1-08

2008-01-01T10:30:00.000-05:00

so...... I'm resoluntioning.....
I'm gonna keep my affairs in order...pay bills on time or call, open mail when I get it, balance my checkbook on a regular basis, fold and put away clean laundry right away.........that sorta stuff

pray for me.....huh?

12-27-07

2007-12-27T10:57:00.001-05:00

christmas was fabulous....

I woke up early to get Tom (the turkey) into the oven and cut my finger pretty badly early in the stuffing-making process....normally that would suck, but in this case, my injury was responsible for making the entire family join in to help get Tom cooking.....we laughed and teased and had a blast...(I'll gladly take a hit for that experience!)

next, it was PresentTime....boychild was beside himself with excitement, having examined each wrapped present carefully all morning...oooh's and ahhh's filled the air and I knew I did good in gift selection when neither child was able to decide exactly which one was their favorite (yay me!) hopefully it made up for the yucky christmas last year (just post surgery)

I spent the rest of the day preparing dinner and playing with boychild.
I have a confession to make........I am now a Guitar Hero addict.
I'm good at it....real good...

the jewish part of the family came over for dinner and proclaimed everything wonderful...(despite my too salty giblet gravy......dunno what I was thinking when I dumped all that salt in, luckily I had some canned gravy in the pantry...)

afterwards, we sat back with pomagranite martini's and I alternated between playing with the babies (I love me those babies!) and video games...

my mom even came downstairs to the family room to join us (and had a turn at guitar hero!) I don't think she's been down there since boychild was an infant. she always claimed she couldn't walk down the stairs.......*sigh*)

anyway, it was a great holiday and I'm patting myself on the back for my part in it.

it's good to have girlchild home for break....her car is dead (maybe terminally) so she's been using mine.......dropping me off at work and stuff. she got a job at a trendy clothes store at the mall and she's working a gazillion hours. she's also pet watching for someone she used to babysit for. we haven't seen a ton of her, which is probably normal. she got two 3.5's and two 3.'s fall semester....she took some hard courses and was delighted with her grades. she'll be around for a coupla more weeks...

the babies I spoke of are actually my youngest brothers kids....they are 5 and 3 years old. I pretty much raised my youngest brother. he's 13 years younger than I am. my dad worked for the city of detroit and by the time my youngest brother was born the schools had deteriorated badly.....so, I went to court and claimed my folks were bad parents. since my parents didn't contest, I was granted legal guardianship. I rented an apartment right next door to a suburban school that was known to be great. G lived with me during the week and went home on weekends. he went on to attend the university of michigan and has almost completed his doctors in education. I'm very proud of him and feel like his children are my grandkids instead of my nephews. I even go to grandparents day for them at their school. ( my mom "claims" she can't walk the distance required and there is NO way I'm gonna let those babies not have someone there!) like I said......I love me those babies!!

I haven't been able to find a time to learn lines yet.......we're supposed to have a good handle on them right after the first of the year and be totally off book a week or so later.........yikes! that's on the schedule for tonight....I need to learn a few pages at least.

I sure hope you hadda fabulous holiday...tell me about it, 'k?

12-22-07

2007-12-22T10:20:00.000-05:00

yesterday was an interesting....

in the afternoon, I plucked an enormous amount of hair out of my 21 year old nieces chin....she has a beard (yep, I said NIECE and BEARD). it's significant, too......she has poly cystic ovaries and facial hair is a symptom....she is rather odd and doesn't feel the need to get rid of the hair on her own, and when I volunteered to pluck it out with a tweezers, she took me up on it. it took about a half hour, but her chiny-chin-chin is clean now. this same niece is dating "seth" a female who would rather be a male and lives as one. oy.

in the early evening we received a gift basket from "katelyn", the little girl who ran to our house for help. the card was signed by the mom and kids (not by the dad). it was very sweet, but unnecessary.

a little later we received ANOTHER basket from a neighbor that contained wine and whiskey. they said it was a thank you for being such great neighbors and helping them with stuff thru-out the year.....we tried to think what we had done that would be deserving of such a thanks and all we could come up with was a bunch of little stuff that is just natural living for us. I mean, if you see someone trying to unload a car and struggling with an infant, wouldn't you offer help?

about 10 minutes later, we received yet ANOTHER basket, full of a bunch of airplane size bottles from another neighbor for the same reason. jeeeeeze, we must be nicer people than I thought. (and drunker, huh?)

so a little while later, there was a knock on the door and by the time I got upstairs and answered it, the only thing there was yet ANOTHER basket, full of chocolate stuff, but no card or anything identifying who it was from.

a very interesting day indeed

12-18-07

2007-12-19T10:36:00.000-05:00

edit***I can't believe I forgot to tell you that I got a part in the show I was auditioning for. for the next 3 months, in my spare time, I will be Deloris Bogatin, a bank teller, whose husband died when their house burnt down. sad enough, but made even worse when they found the ashes of his mistress next to him. I think it's the largest role in the play....eeek. I'm so excited and even nicer, everyone who I tell is so excited for me. I think because it represents me turning back into the person I was.

a few nights ago, at 10 p.m., there was a knock on our door.....it was an 8 year old girl who lives down the street from us .. she said that her daddy was hitting her mommy and her mommy told her to call the police, so she came to our house (we barely know the family...I don't even know her parents names....we figured that she came to our house because she remembered when they were in a car accident, DH was on the call as a firefighter) the little girl had to go about 10 houses to get to us, in pjs and barefoot in the snow. her feet were bright red and she was shaking like a leaf....she kept trying to cry but was too scared...she was talking in great gasping sobs and told us that she was scared for her 3 year old brother who she told to hide under the bed. she said this had happened a bunch of times before, but this was the first time her mom told her to get help.

of course we called the police and I hugged and soothed and petted her until the gasping stopped. luckily, we had a fire going in the woodburner, and we wrapped her in blankets and rubbed her feet until they were back to normal. we told her how brave she was and that she was safe now. the police took the dad away and brought the little girl back home. before they did, I made her look into my eyes and told her that if she ever needed help again, we were there for her. she nodded solemnly and her eyes filled with tears for the first time.

that's all I know about the story, but last night, there were police cars in front of their house again.

do me a favor....pray for those kids, 'k?

my birthday party was fabulous even tho it was the day of the huge 12 ft. snowfall and a dozen people were unable to make it. I got some wonderful gifts and was blessed to spend several hours with 4o people I love and who love me. everyone seemed to have a great time and laughter filled the room.

DH got his first commission check this year. (sad, huh?) it was only $1000, but it was more than we've gotten all year besides his small salary and I needed to use it to pay some long put off bills, but somehow, with chanukah, christmas and stuff, it's all gone before the bills even got looked at. I know, bad-bad-bad me but we've been deprived all year of anything but the basics and before I knew it, the money was spent. *sigh*. now I gotta tell him. (eek). I hate poverty

if I don't get back here before xmas, have a fabulous holiday.
I hope you are blessed with everything you wish for
and am adding my own wishes for you of health and happiness in the coming year.

12-11-07

2007-12-11T13:06:00.001-05:00

the big day has come and gone and I am officially half a century old (as my 5 year old nephew told me last night).....he also asked me to play the "country game", where I tried to guess the name of the country he drew a picture of.....these included italy, the usa and greenland (which he tried to help me guess with this clue.....it's supported by denmark) yeah, that's right.......I said he was 5...........he's reading on an 8th grade level, knows the capitals of every state and country in the world and can multiply and divide multi-digit numbers......he's scary smart and I adore him like my own kid.....

now what was I talking about before I started bragging about my nephew? oh yeah.......turning 50.

I have this friend, a male friend, who swears I am his best friend. many years ago we had a "thing" and it ended because he hurt me real badly by not being very trustworthy. now we physically only see each other once in a while and it's always in a group and kept real casual but online we talk almost daily and discuss dreams and fears and life and other important stuff.

when he talks about me being his best friend, I always give it a "yeah yeah yeah" and sorta blow him off, but we do talk about things that I don't talk about with most people.

so my bday came and went without a phone call, email or any other sort of recognition from him
and when my sister in law/best girl-friend asked me what he did for me and I replied nothing, she looked surprised and confused. I didn't even think about it until she responded that way. then I started wondering about what sorta jerk doesn't call their "supposed" best friend on their 50th bday???????? so here's the question .....should I be upset? even tho he wasn't trustworthy as a boyfriend, he was always a good plain ol' friend. it should be noted, that today, the day AFTER my 50th, he still hasn't called or emailed.

*sigh*
moving on from junior high.....
(no matter how old I get, I'll always be a confused 13 year old at heart)

I'm auditioning for a play tonight. a show called 5 tellers in the rain. I haven't been on stage in 4 years....that's a long time. I've directed a coupla shows and worked behind the scenes on many more, but haven't actually been ON stage. I'm nervous and excited. there's several parts I could do in this show, I don't really care which one I get. this is a huge step for me.....it represents me becoming more of who I used to be....

my mom is getting worse and harder to deal with.....her memory is horrible and she refuses to admit it, blaming me for her mistakes, cherishing and almost celebrating mine and crazier than ever....she is constantly talking and refuses to allow me any sort of quiet peace to do my work.....she'll even yell questions to me while she's sitting on the frickin' toilet.......I am continually interrupted and then berated for not finishing, yet if I even think about asking her a question while she's doing something else, I get reamed....boychild was here a few days ago and said "jeeze mom, grandma doesn't stop talking and telling you to do stuff"...........I was saddened that even a child can pick up on it

because I feel "grateful and obligated" for the party she's giving me this weekend, I grind my teeth, bite my lip and try to grin and bear it beyond my normal tolerance level....she probably knows this on some sorta unconscious level....

isn't that all phucked up? it's bad enough that she does it, but even worse that at 50 years old, I still not only allow it, but let it bother me as much as it does....I know it's because I'm with her too much.....I know that if I were to see her once or twice a week (like my brothers), I could shake my head and chuckle affectionately......and I know that I'm going to hell for talking about her like this, but.............jeeeeeeezzzus.....I love and hate the woman.

happy chanukah! tonight is the last night...it ends at sundown tomorrow. typically, my family could not agree on a day to have our family chanukah party, so we're having it the 28th.....ha.
I give boy and girlchild a small present (stocking stuffer sorta things) every day....I sent girlchild a box with all of them in it and she opened them all at once....*grin*....poor boychild was limited to one a day.....we still do christmas...DH is christian....and my kids get the major presents then

12-6-07

2007-12-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

I've started another blog.....one about dreams.......my dreams are so vivid that I can't believe I once scoffed at them and I've become fascinated with what they "mean".

if you care to take a peek or share some of your own, my new address is... http://abloggersdreams.blogspot.com/

the stimulator trial was a success.....I was nearly pain-free while using it....(I'm still taking morphine, but didn't have to take the drug they give me for break-thru pain at all when normally I take it twice a day!) the surgery to inplant it is january 14th, so now I havta wait 5 weeks....grrrrrrrrr. I hurt already and they only disconnected it 3 hours ago.

dh can't wait to have "his wife back again"

I'm sorta liking this "big" birthday thingie........the gno's gave me their present early.....a HUGE gift certificate to a day spa....they want me to pamper and pamper I will!

my best-friend/sister in law gave me a fabulous green velvet coat that I feel luxurious wearing, and she is also giving me the gift of hair.....heeheehee......she got hair extensions and loves them so wants me to share in the joy....I don't want the permanent ones, so I'm getting the kind you can put in and take out....(they take about a half hour to do each time)and I'm going real long.......I've never had long hair 'cause my curls grow out instead of down and I can't wait to "casually" toss my flowing locks over my shoulder

12-4-07

2007-12-04T16:24:00.000-05:00

I dreamt that my mom got a new house full of unbelievable treasures.....she had a whole display case of what she called "psht, garbage", that I found incredibly valuable....diamond jewelry, unique artsy pieces of jewelry and knick-knacks....then strolling to the rear of her house, I found that the entire basement had been pulled out to be redone and in there, I found even more riches....autographed purses by major stars, clothing worn by major stars and designer purses.....I also discovered that she owned horses and pot-bellied pigs and other strange animals....

this dream is easy to understand....my mom doesn't know what is valuable to me....
duh, no big surprise there

I had a minor surgery yesterday.....I'm having a trial period of a spinal stimulator.....it tells my brain that I'm feeling tingling instead of pain....and guess what?..... so far it seems to be working....I have very little pain right now.....inphuckin'credible.

I have to wear the transmitter around my waist for 3 days, and if it works, I have to schedule a more difficult surgery to implant it in my hip

it's so cool....it has a remote control so I can control the intensity of it and can turn it off when I need to....(ie: While walking out of a drug store that has an anti-theft system I received a healthy zap) or turn it up when the pain breaks thru

it replaces pain with the most bizarre feeling....almost like the tingling you feel when your foot falls asleep, just BEFORE it hurts.....

and hell, tingling is sooooooo much better than pain.....don'tcha think?

my 50th birthday is next monday.....the big 5-0.....half a century.....officially O-L-D...yikes o'mania.......how did that happen? it doesn't seem possible that I'm that old....I don't feel that old, no siree....

I was thinking about having a crisis, *sticking my tongue firmly in my cheek*, but decided that I've been thru enough crisis' in the last few years that I should skip having this one.....

11-16-07

2007-11-16T10:45:00.000-05:00

I've struggled with writing this post....somehow putting it into words makes it sound cheezy and sleezy (and it wasn't).....plus, I don't wanna get "flagged" as having objectionable content on my blog

if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking about sharing my experience at the schvitz...so if you are easily offended or are under the age of consent, leave now.....

okay..........edge and skygirl....this is for you!
*taking a deep breath and beginning*.....

upon arriving, we noticed a large group of people wearing robes and relaxing in the bar....we were urged to join them by a couple we had met last year at a fuck party....we drank a beer while we got to know them and were soon flirting and exchanging x-rated puns and jokes.....

we left the bar, "en mass", and went to the sauna....after schvitzing for a while (and watching a 60ish lady with calico colored hair and massive implants receive a sensual massage from 2 older men at the same time) it was my turn for a "plaitza" (leaf broom massage) from Mel the 70ish man who is a genius with eucalyptus leaves...he tied them into a bundle, lathered soap on me, then gently beat me with the leaves.....front and back..... when I was sufficiently"beaten", my open pores were closed by a spritz with a cool hose. then Mel took me to the swimming pool, laid me on my back and floated me in the cold water for about 10 minutes.....it was inphuckin'credible......to die for....meltable.....I heart "plaitza's"

I was pretty rubbery by then, but somehow was able to join my husband and friends in the outdoor hot tub. the tub was gaily lit by strings of lights and the steam from the hot water floated in the chilly outside air. large piles of fluffy white towels were stacked within arms reach, and soft jazz music tinkled over speakers, underscoring the merry conversation of the 8 or 10 people sitting in the tub.....it was hard to remember that outside of the high brick walls surrounding us, was one of the nations worst ghettos.

I was introduced to "susie", a zaftig early 20-something with a love of cocksucking.....no, I really mean it.......this girl was INTO dick....every few minutes, "susie" would motion to a man (a different one each time) to sit at the edge of the tub and let her......suck. she had no desire to bring them to completion, and there was no moaning and groaning on her part.....it was almost like smoking a cigarette....it was simply time to do what she was craving and when she had enough, she stopped....took a sip of water, joined in the conversation for a while....then moved on to the next man.....everyone treated this matter of factly.....the chosen man hopped up onto the edge without discussion.....usually continuing his participation in the jovial hot tub conversation........it was bizarre. "susie's partner, "will", bitched about the amount of money he was spending on his kids private education, never once commenting on or even watching "susie's" activities.

there was a lot of foot massaging going on under the water....and more than a little groping...at one point there were so many hands stroking me, that I couldn't tell you who belonged to what....it wasn't at all invasive...it was a gentle, slow, exploratory sorta thing....very sensual and apparantly, quite normal...a young, hot indian man named "siva", rubbed my feet for a long while.....occasionally sucking on my big toe and gazing soulfully into my eyes while his wife, "katie", a very earthy hippy-ish woman, discussed the pros and cons of glass dildos (apparently, if you freeze them prior to use, it can be mind-blowing). my nipples were discussed at length and I think everyone in the tub had a nibble (or two!)

after a while it was time for more drinks, and we all went back to the bar.....we shared a few appetizers and more conversation.......lounging in chairs, relaxed....at ease....there was a lot of thinly veiled looks, long meeting of eyes, stroking of shoulders, touching of fingers....anything to make some sort of physical contact....and even tho we were relaxed, the sexual tension was thick in the air....

and then we went to the 3rd floor.

the 3rd floor is difficult to describe but I'll try....

picture a big square room with restaurant booths against all 4 walls and a large open area in the middle. there are folding type chairs set up here and there and a few high round tables with bar stools, but for the most part....the middle of the room is empty.

there's a man playing folk music on an acoustic guitar....things like joni mitchell and peter, paul & mary....the lights are very dim, and the room is cloudy with smoke of all kinds (yep, ALL kinds)

most of the booths are full of people engaging in every sex act imaginable.....alone, in couples or in groups. surrounding the booths are single men, watching intently while playing with themselves....a few brave people are playing on the floor in the middle of the room (shuddering to think exactly what has been ON that floor).

while on the 3rd floor, I blew DH (and received applause from the onlookers for my technique), switched places while he orally pleasured me.....watched "siva", "katie", "will" and "susie" form a chain of sex, watched the calico haired woman kneel on the floor with a cock in each hand and one in her mouth, watched a massive woman receive head from a man who's actual head was actually hidden between her massive legs and stomach.....and all sorts of other depraved activities that would take me a long time to type about but often fill my daydreams.....

when we left the 3rd floor, we passed thru the "movie room" where x-rated films were shown.....no soft porn here....this was hard core stuff! we decided to sit a while (but put a towel down on the pillowed leather couches first)....and within a short amount of time, I watched DH pound "donna" into a quivering heap, while I had sex (not love making, but rather pure animal sex) with "will" while jacking off "siva" and old "mel" flicked my nipples with this fingers...the room was thick with the smell and sound of lust and sex and satiation...

after a long, hot group shower, warm hugs goodbye and promises to keep in touch....DH and I ended our evening with dinner at our favorite Mexican Town restaurant

we drove home holding hands and giggling like kids.......then jumped into bed, snuggled deep into each others arms and quickly fell asleep....

11-7-07

2007-11-07T16:13:00.001-05:00

we're going to the schvitz on Saturday...
how strange is it that a photo of my long-dead grandpa graces the entrance of that place

I think about what it was like when he went there...smoking camels and drinking whiskey.....(that was his nickname, y'know, "whiskey").....stoppin' in for his weekly bath and steam, bullshittin' with the guys......who knows what they spoke of....in the purple gang....men who spoke didn't last.....

now, the century old bathhouse is the scene of a major fuck fest, the like of which I never even imagined....

how ironic is that?

11-5-07

2007-11-05T11:02:00.000-05:00

today is my 3 year blogaversary
3 years of baring my soul and sharing my escapades.....

you've been through so much with me....

my dads death
my surgery
my ongoing mom issues

you've been my shoulder thru the hard times
and shared my giddy glee thru the good times

I heart you.

10-26-07

2007-10-26T10:54:00.000-04:00

DH fixed my car...he hadda pull the entire dashboard off to replace the heater core and it took him 3 days, but he did it. It was a 700 dollar difference....700 dollars that we don't have. Now my windshield has little oily round points all over it. It took me a long time to figure out what they were.....little points where his bald head hit the glass.....HA.

There's this little old black man that sits with me at football practice every day....he's there with his grandson.....I adore him and his sayings like "I'm a church goin' man and don't take to that beer" make me laugh. Today is the last practice and I'm gonna miss him. (dunno what made me think of him) I'm gonna miss the football boys....as team mom, I've really gotten to know and love them, but I'm not gonna miss practicing every day. Man o'man, it's been tough.

I've been cursed with some sorta stomach ailment the last few days.....after a year of narcotic induced constipation, I'm now faced with the opposite and it's miserable. I've lost 7 pounds the hard way. I hadda drink some vitamin water today to ward off dehydration...if that's TMI, too bad!

Rehearsals have begun for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. My sister in law/best friend is Maggie.....she has 60 straight pages of monologue......yikes! I'm stage managing the show and it's gonna be a good one. I had my picture taken for the program and almost cried at how fat I am......

My high maintenance college friend Maggie's elderly parents are missing in San Diego.....they were evacuated 3 days ago and she can't get in touch with them....she's freaking out....understandably.

My sister in law/best friend got hair extensions from an adorable cross dresser named Serge. He had a fabulous french manicure . He showed us pictures of himself on Saturday nights when he is Stephanie. His legs were smoother than mine. I watched while he sewed on 250 little clumps of hair.......it looks amazing. It took 15 years off her. Now she is saying that she is gonna give me the gift of hair for my birthday. That I have to experience this with her. Ha.

I'm auditioning for a play on my 50th birthday. A great show called 5 tellers in the rain about 5 bank tellers and their life issues. Dunno which part I'm going for yet, altho I should decide soon.
God, I hope I can memorize lines.....the meds I'm on make it tough for me to remember anything.

Speaking of meds.....Dec. 3rd, I'm having the surgery for the trial stimulator. Or did I tell you that already? See what I mean about memory?

I've had a lot of what "they" call break thru pain lately . I hate hate hate that I hurt like this.
Hate hate hate it.

10-22-07

2007-10-22T10:23:00.001-04:00

Monday morning when I arrive at work, I grab a cuppa and allow myself 20 minutes to read my favorite blogs.....I found out that....

Brian grabbed his SO and kids and went on a surprise weekend away....I've been reading about Aubrey and Patrick since they were small and chuckle like a fond aunt at their antics....

Beans is heading to a place that was happier last year....I hope her expectations are worse than the reality and I often wish for peace in her life...

Sha gives us the honor of watching Chicka as she grows.....in my mind, I kiss her soft forehead and marvel at the wonder of her.....

Rick is still AWOL and everytime I see the same old post about sweet tea, my heart lurches and I wonder how my birthday buddy is....

Andrew's struggles with life and living fascinate me and I feel real pain when things are hard for him and true victory when he makes it past yet another hurdle in mental well-being....his current lonliness makes me feel empty.....

Wunx picked tomatoes , eggplant and cukes and there's something about her everyday musings that always makes me smile and feel all "homey".....

Garlic breath makes me jealous.....I wish I could do half of what she does....and I am always eager to see what amazing accomplishment she has done...this time she made everything that can possibly be made outta apples...

Whenever Edge posts, I have to read, re-read and ponder.....God, I adore that man and soak up his talent......today I read about his parents and brother and the love and sorrow he feels oozes across my computer screen...

these people are real to me...I feel like I know them better than half the people I encounter daily.....I rarely comment, but I often read....

and read and read and read......

10-19-07

2007-10-19T12:37:00.000-04:00

12-3, I'm gonna to begin a trial Spinal Cord Stimulation system.

I'll have surgery that temporarily attaches electrical leads to my spine
that are connected to a unit that I will wear around my waist. This system
supposedly interrupts the pain message going to my brain and changes it into
a tingling sensation instead.

If this week long trial works, a month or so later, I will have it permanently installed
This involves scooping out hip fat (of which I have plenty to spare) and inserting the
unit under my skin and permanately attaching the leads.

It's worth a try, right?

10-15-07

2007-10-15T10:21:00.001-04:00

when I was a kid, Michigan winters were winterier...march came in like a lion and went out like a lamb, and autumns meant weeks of cider mills, and wearing new fall clothes when school started.

now, it's almost impossible to build a backyard ice skating rink in winter, march is all lion--the lamb doesn't show up until close to May, and it's way too hot to think about wearing fall clothes in September.

without a doubt, gore's global warming is to blame......
and I'm pretty sure Nostradamus warned us about this....

In my neighborhood, only about every other house recycles. I know recycling isn't the "end-all" to our environmental ails, but it shows an awareness, a caring, a desire to change things that our parents parents began...

my kids are much better at taking care of our environment than I am....
maybe our childrens children will finally get it right

today is Blog Action Day
the topic is the environment
talk among yourselves......

10-10-2007

2007-10-10T12:48:00.001-04:00

I've had the same sorta dream two nights in a row....

I dreamt of desertion by my closest friends, the gnos..............both times it was they who deserted me....

I dreamt of being alone...left behind or lost. Once I wandered away, the next time I was unable to put one foot in front of the other to catch them. But both times they went on without me.

Both dreams took place in Vegas...but it wasn't the real Vegas....it was some huge building, almost like an airport, with many shops and restaurants...

Last night, when I tried to find them, I didn't have my tooth in and kept running into other people I knew. Then when I finally got into our hotel room, it turned out to be the wrong room. The night before, when they left me, I had to travel with a bunch of weirdos...people I didn't want to be with, in order to catch up with them.

Anyon want to give a amateurs analysis of what it might mean?

10-4-07

2007-10-04T12:06:00.000-04:00

my annoyance with my mom seems to be cyclical.....I'll be okay for a while, brushing off her insanity with a grin or a shrug, then slowly, day by day or sometimes even hour by hour, it gets increasingly harder to deal with until I finally dare to question, have a conflicting opinion or *gasp* raise my voice and all hell breaks loose.......

she's whacked, insane and absolutely cuckoo...

I miss my dad horribly, and I miss him even more when I realize how much bullcrap he dealt with from her and kept from me.

arg.

I've been trying to get her to take at least one day a week off.....mostly to give us a break from each other....and she refuses. I can't quite figure out why, but whatever. So I started taking a day off (at least on paper). I actually haven't taken many off because something usually happens (a rush order, or my mom has an appt. or something) that makes it impossible for me to not be here.........but, I reserve the right to take tuesdays off when it's possible. (I wanted mondays....wow, imagine the stress relief I would get from 2 days off in a row), but that didn't work because it interfered with my mom leaving at 2 to "make dinner"for my brother (actually, my brother brings carry out in).....which of course was far more important than my mental health. (p.s....brother offered to switch it to another day, but mom had a cow).

My mom spends 99% of her workday playing a computer game...the same game over and over and over....this results in very little work getting done. I usually don't give a shit what she does but it pisses me off when I'm actually WORKING and a customer comes in and she tells me to help them while she turns back to her game. I'm sure you can see how that would get annoying, right? My mom does have a small amount of paperwork that she is responsible for and most weeks the game comes first, so she has to come in on sundays to accomplish the 20 minutes of work she needs to do.

Now my mom's new thing is to tell every customer that she works 7 days and I work only 5
and that if I hadn't cut my hours, she would have given me a"big raise"

ha
haha
hahaha

she's getting worse very quickly
saying more ridiculous stuff
doing stupid shit
being lazier than ever

today we had a huge argument because I didn't know what she meant when she said...."did you take care of that thing?". I, of course, said "which thing?" and she went bonkers, accusing me of being mean and rude....

this is my angst....my life
karma kicking me in the ass...
and almost definitely, the reason I'm not getting better.

9-27-2007

2007-09-27T16:07:00.000-04:00

someone told me today that I "do u" good

huh?

I questioned them as to what they meant and they said...."well, look at your clothes....you have your own style and it's good on you...you do u good"

hmmmm

I had that gawd awful cold/flu thing that everyone seems to be suffering from and it left me with a bad case of perpetual yawns.....

my cat loves cheese balls.
he loves them so much he gnawed a hole in the plastic cap covering them
when he thinks no one is looking, he delicately dips a paw into the hole...snags one with his claw, pulls it out and pops it in his mouth

speaking of balls..........I have a thing lately for super bounce out
I see those suckers in my sleep....taunting me with their patterns....

I have an appointment next month with a dr. to discuss installing in me, a "stimulator" that breaks up the pain message...it's controlled by remote control.

whatta world we live in.....

p.s....hey beans...................I can't find you.....help!

9-20-07

2007-09-18T15:36:00.000-04:00

12 years ago today, I left work for a drs. appointment, told them I'd return in an hour, and never went back! Boychild entered the world..............very early, very small and sick, but changing our lives forever!

My 12 year old son is soooooooooooo looking forward to our buffalo wild wings dinner and afterwards, playing with his WII (my brothers, aunt, mom, etc) all chipped in with us to buy it for him....so much better than a buncha little things, y'know?

things are better with DH and I..............they aren't great, but they are better.............
at least we are getting along now, the fighting has ceased...dunno what is gonna happen in the future, but for now home is a tolerable place once again...

yesterday, my mom was in the bathroom gagging and spitting for a long time....I kept asking her what was wrong and she kept saying "nothing, you don't wanna know, leave me alone"
then she started yelling that she needed some "liquor"....my mom who never drinks was screaming for a drink and refusing to say why. So I ran to the party store and got her a tiny shot bottle of vodka and when I got back, I found out that she had been eating chips for about 10 minutes and then she pulled out a handful and looked at them for the first time and saw they were covered in ants..............so she ran into the bathroom to spit them out and her chin had ants crawling on it and her tongue had ants crawling on it and she was so grossed out that she needed alcohol to "kill" them. then she called my sister-in-law who is a physician and asked her if the ants could "hurt her inside" and if the vodka was enough to kill them....my sister-in-law was choking with laughter and told her that she needed to drink the vodka to calm down!

it mighta been the funniest moment of the day........no, wait............week............no, it definately
was the funniest moment of the month!...........today all my brothers have been calling and asking for "ant" debbie.................ha!

as I click on the links on my blog it saddens me.............so few remain active....so many of those I once called "friend" have disappeared into the ether....

it makes me so sad that I know it's time to remove them.....as soon as I finish with this entry, I will....but how am I gonna remove donna or jane or beans?...............and I'm not sure I can remove all physical signs of edge or rick.......

I've found a couple of new blogs that I love to read, but how do I find new friends here in blogland? I miss my daily reads!!

hey! you! if you're out there reading this, make yourself known! I'd love to read your blog! speak up! (boy, am I presumptuous or what? do I even HAVE any readers?..............ha!)

9-10-07

2007-09-10T11:16:00.000-04:00

3 more month until I'm half a century old........ouch
I guess I shouldn't complain....it could be worse....

I've decided that DH is going thru a mid-life crisis....
he's very different lately....more ornery, a little meaner, less patient
(which is bad 'cause patience was never one of his virtues)...
he hasn't touched me in months, nor has he even seemed tempted
of course that could be because I weigh half a ton now
(half a century/half a ton....*sighing as I open yet another soft peppermint candy*)

we fight a lot...too much
and everything I do/say is wrong/annoys him

I know we have to "talk" but I'm afraid because once words are said, they can't be taken back....and I'm not sure I want to face what the result will be....................yet

it's scarier to be half a century, half a ton, broke and alone..........

9-7-07

2007-09-06T11:28:00.000-04:00

I dreamt that it was 1989, but somehow I had travelled back to 1963...
I marvelled over all the things I remembered and all the things I forgot...
I cried when I saw my grandma and my dad.......knowing that in my present they were dead.

I keep buying lottery tickets...............longing, hoping....praying
But it appears the good lord wants to keep me in abject poverty
No one knows how bad it really is for us.
It's worse then it ever was..........ever, ever, ever........even when we were first married.
Boychild outgrew all his pants..............last night I bought him some "new" ones from the salvation army because that's all I could afford.

I know the $$ problems are tearing DH apart. It's why he has been such an asshole.
(they're not so much fun for me, either)

Nobody promised me a rose garden.....
but they never told me it was gonna be this hard...............

8-23-07

2007-08-23T11:44:00.000-04:00

we took girlchild to school last night and it was the night from hell
dh and I are no longer speaking.......instead of dear husband....dh stands for devil husband today.

on top of the humidity being 175%, and girlchild's room being on the 3rd floor of a non-air conditioned, non-elevatored building............dh was a bigger dick than normal.....the fighting started before we even left the driveway.

I cried silently, all the way home and we haven't said a word to each other in about 13 hours.

asshole.

today, I am in both physical and emotional pain from the experience.

but poor girlchild is there, and away from us and the fighting and on her way to the experience of a lifetime.......

poor boychild is left to take the brunt of it....

our 20th wedding anniversary is next week, and I don't even want to talk to the man right now.

asshole.

8-21-07

2007-08-21T13:23:00.000-04:00

This weekend was a whirlwind of baseball and football and grad parties.
Then when that was all done........we had girlchild's boyfriend's parents and the neighbor teachers over for a wing night....I'm sure they had no idea what to think of us, but I'm also sure a good time was had by all....

Male teacher was sick, so he only stayed for a while...........Lady teacher made herself right at home......reaching in for wings....drinking a wine cooler, adding to the conversation.....boyfriend's mom seemed to only want to talk to me about theater and "the kids"......boyfriend's dad was mute as always, but he sat in a lawn chair.......ate wings, drank beer and smoked a cigar........all of which vastly amused boyfriend. Boyfriend's mom commented on how "well-behaved" her almost 20 year old only child was at our house.....hmmmmmmmmm. She also commented that now she knew why boyfriend practically lived at our house....that it was easy and relaxed. It made me wonder what their home was like.

I love boyfriend and would be delighted if he became son-in-law (altho I hope that is years away)....but his parents are a little goofy.

Girlchild leaves for school tomorrow.
Boychild is busy with both baseball and football and waiting for school to start soon.

I'm reintroducing myself to my old life by being the football team mom and running an audition for the theater tonight.....

I hope to audition myself for a show near the end of the year...

Baby steps.......baby steps......

8-15-07

2007-08-15T10:13:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm emerging out of a fog......the old me struggling to get thru the murkiness.....part of me waking up with every heavy step.....

no. that's not right. that doesn't explain how I feel.
I don't want to talk about what was....I only want to talk about what will be.....

so....

I feel like I'm emerging out of a cocoon...the old me struggling to get out of the gossamer coffin.....part of me blossoming with every new day....

yes.

that sounds better.

more like the old Me.

3.29.07

2007-03-29T10:43:00.000-04:00

so there I was, taking babysteps, when all of a sudden, I got thrown a mile back.....

I've been seeing a pain specialist who has been prescribing my drugs and giving me epidurals to help with the pain....before my surgery, they didn't work......after my surgery, they worked well......these shots come in a series of 3 and I took my third one a few weeks ago....but this time, things were different......I went home to rest (as usual) and I don't remember the next few days, but what I am told is that girlchild (who luckily was home from school), heard me moaning in pain and puking and crying that I couldn't feel my legs and I had the worst headache I had ever had and I ended up in the hospital for 5 days with "chemical meningitis" from an allergic reaction to the epidural.....

it was a horrible experience and it took me over a week after the hospital to get back to where I was taking baby steps....

I cannot believe this shit......I think I need a karma cleanse or something.....

Now I'm back where I was.....taking baby steps, trying to deal with my mom and stay sane....

*sigh*

3.15.07

2007-03-15T09:57:00.000-04:00

We got a new kitten......he's a manx cat......this breed originated from the Isle of Man and are really rare......they have no tails and their back legs are longer than their front so they sorta hop like a jackrabbit when they run....it's really funny to watch......our kitten's name is Derek......girlchild found him in a foster home in lansing and grabbed him....he gets along with our 3 yr. old cat, Murray and our new dog, Joe....who gets along with everyone....my house is now officially a zoo. Did I ever tell you that we have an 11 year old blind goldfish? Well, we do. He's huge and lost his eyes a coupla years ago....theyfell out and floated in the tank and then disappeared......I think he ate them.

Girlchild has a steady boyfriend who treats her better than I have ever been treated by a man. He's always giving her presents and surprizing her with treats. My favorite gift was his valentines day present of pink cowboy boots. I adore him and hope he stays a steady boyfriend.......he goes to MSU, but comes in every single weekend to see girlchild. He is an only child and is constantly amazed at the messy circus that is our household.

Boychild is in middle school and is having a hard time making new friends. Boys are so different than girls. My heart hurts when he tells me how lonely he is. I know that with his winning smile and sunny personality that friendships will eventually form, but he doesn't belive me. I'm trying to think of a way to help him, but I don't know what to do. I called his counselor who transfered him into a homeroom that had a coupla kids he wants to be friends with, so I hope it works. The other day he told me that "it's hard to be me" *sigh*
On the up side, he's playing travel baseball again this spring/summer and football in the fall. When I signed him up, the coach made a point of coming up to me and telling me how glad he was that boychild was on his team.

Dear Husband is trying so hard to make money in the recession that is still in Michigan. Money is so tight that it scares me. Really really does. I stress about it all of the time and I'm sure he does, too. He is anxious for me to get well.....he is so patient and compassionate with me that I can't help but fall in love with him all over again. He keeps talking about the possiblity of us having to move to another state in order to financially survive. Accckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I don't wanna move....we have built a life in the small town we live in...and we have a wonderful support system here.....he just turned 50, so I wonder if it's a bit of a mid-life crisis thingie to talk about moving to the tropics and living off the land in a trailor......or maybe it's just a daydream

My sister in law who used to be my best friend is once again my best friend. I have fallen in love with her again and forgiven all misdeeds. She has been amazing.,...driving me all over the place and bringing me delightful resale clothing to fit my fat body. She is sick again, tho........they have found more "bad cells" where they did the masectomy and now she is on a preventive oral chemo........I listen when she cries and she listens when I do and we sit together in my bed and eat chocolate and hug and talk about our woes.

My college friend who mostly annoys me has given me a wonderful gift. She and her husband have spent 6 days at our house, tearing down our kitchen wallpaper. They own a victorian home downtown and are vetern wallpaper removers. Now we havta paint and we are waiting to have enough money to buy paint. Isn't that sad?

And me? I am fat. The drugs they are giving me make me fat. I am depressed. Or at least they tell me I am. I work everyday, take drugs for pain....bite my lip to avoid saying nasty things to my mom who is crazier and less motivated than ever. I am trying to get my life back. I walked 2 blocks a few days ago. It was a huge accomplisment.....and to think, I once walked 60 miles and now I am cheering at 2 blocks. Baby steps, I tell myself....baby steps and remember to breathe.....It's been 4 months and I'm still taking baby steps when I want to leap and run and laugh and live........

3.6.07

2007-03-06T11:02:00.000-05:00

this is my first post of the new year.....
I don't get around these parts much anymore....work is busy and when I'm home, I'm usually resting or doing mom sorta things...

they say the surgery went well, but I still have pain....they say this happens to 1 outta 300 people....so of course, I'm one of them. they promise me that the pain will eventually go away.....most people get relief around 6 months post-op, but a small fraction of people can have pain for up to 2 years......*praying that I'm not one of them*

I'm going to a pain mgt. center where they make me pee in a cup, bring my drug bottles in so each pill can be counted, and get new prescriptions....they are doing a good job managing my pain.....when I take my meds, I'm comfortable....but the meds are narcotics....

I don't get/feel "high" when I take them, but my husband says I get really "lovey dovey" when they first start working and he can always tell that I've just taken a pill....

I'm back to work full time, but not driving yet because of the drugs I am taking....
I hate not driving.
I hate being dependant on other people for stupid stuff like a trip to the drugstore or bank

so that's that and how it is.

I'm still flirting with depression....but like my dr. said...what I'm going thru IS depressing.
ha.

2006-11-16T14:34:00.000-05:00

I may have to use one for the next 2 months, but at least it can reflect "me"

the day before....

2006-11-06T09:24:00.000-05:00

I hurt so bad, it's hard not to cry...the pain has reached a cresendo that even 2 vicodin at a time can't touch.......I don't even get high from the vicodin....all it does it take the edge off the pain......

I'm terrified....when I remember the surgery is tomorrow
my throat gets all tight and it's hard to breathe....

I know this will end my pain, but it's a familiar pain
and the pain after surgery is unknown....
I'm scared of the unknown....

I'm scared of not having a business to come back to
I'm scared of my household not running well without me
I'm scared of what could happen if the surgery goes wrong....

I'm so scared...
Pray for me, and I'll be back when I can.....

just to let you know

2006-10-27T15:33:00.000-04:00

I'm having a fusion done on my back Nov. 7th.
The Dr. wanted to do it on 10/31, but I needed some time to get my shit in order.
He says I have new nerve damage and we have to do it now.

I have people coming in to work for an hour or so a day while I'm gone.............my mom is gonna havta stop playing her computer games and rise to the occasion and actually do some work or the business will die.

I just can't do this pain stuff anymore.
I'm done.

3-5 days in the hospital
2-3 weeks hard recouperation
3-6 months of restrictions

see ya when I see ya........

10/5/06

2006-10-05T11:40:00.000-04:00

12 years ago, I thought I was crazy
my periods were horrible...........heavy and painful
my trusted dr. told me that it was the normal aging process
and I believed him and thought I was a big baby for having a hard time with such a natural progression of life

a friend finally convinced me to get a second opinion
and this new dr. did some tests and found a huge fibroid tumor
that was causing all my problems and told me I need a hysterectomy

I burst into tears at the news, not because I needed surgery,
but because I finally knew that I wasn't crazy
that there really WAS something wrong with me...

that's how I feel now.
I had the icky test and everything came back normally
and now we start over in trying to figure out what's wrong with me

I feel like a huge crazy crybaby....

9/27/06

2006-09-27T13:35:00.000-04:00

Happy New Year....sure hope 5767 is a better year.....

I'm 179 days, 4 hours, 50 minutes and 50 seconds smoke free
(7168 cigarettes not inhaled)

seven thousand, one hundred and sixty eight cigarettes?
holy smoke batman!

this weekend was "meet your best friend at the zoo"...all 4 of us went and after much discussion and evaluation, we adopted a 3 year old black lab mix who we named Joe.....he's smart, gentle and wonderful....exactly the sorta animal our family needs....

I'm still going thru mega tests to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with me.....y'know it wouldn't be true to form if I had some easy to diagnose ailment.........no, no, no..........I've gotta have something elusive...*sigh*
anyway..........I'm having a 4 hour test next week where they inject me with cortisol (the stress horomone the adrenal glands make)to see how I react, because my body seems to be insufficently producing it

this weekend, there is a huge sex show in town.....porn stars, sex products and god knows what else will be on display at cobo hall....we're going, then meeting up with some swinger friends at an "after party".....should be a good time

I'm in severe need of a good time.

9/11/06

2006-09-11T09:42:00.000-04:00

In honor of 25peeps.com...here are 25 Things About Me
(btw, check it out at http://www.25peeps.com/r/1735 and click on my eye)

1. I am 5'8, 140 lbs, have very curly red hair and brown eyes. I lost 45 pounds 3 years ago and have kept the weight off.
2. I am 13 years older than my youngest brother. I almost raised him. I have 2 other brothers.
3. When the youngest was a baby, I accidently dropped him on his head and never told anyone. As an adult, he was diagnosed with Tourettes and was told it probably resulted from an injury. Of course, he had no memory of any injury, so I hadda fess up. I've felt horribly guilty 'bout this my whole life.
4. I was really close to another brother until he married my best friend....we have since grown apart
5. I was so embarassed when my mom got pregnant with myyoungest brother (remember I was 13 and KNEW where babies came from), that I told people she wasn't pregnant, just fat.
6. When I was in elementary school, I published "The Big Black Book of Sex", a looseleaf filled with dirty jokes, what I thought were torrid pictures (stolen from my dad's old playboys) and passed it around for everyone to look at and contribute to. It was a huge hit.
7. I once bought a dog that was the exact same color as my parents carpet so they couldn't complain 'bout dog hair.
8. My brother used to pay me to take the blame for bad things he had done, since I was always in trouble anyway. I charged anywhere from $2-$5, depending on the punishment I would suffer. Except the time my dad found my brothers bong in my car trunk.....for that offense I charged $20.
9. The only "recreational" drug I have not tried is herion. My favorites were weed and qualudes.
10. I've been in 2 orgies (which were highly overrated) and 1 foursome (alot more fun).
11. I used to be a groupie. Well, sorta, the only star I ever "did" was Gene Simmons, but I used to hang around the 70's music scene.
12. The wildest backstage scene I ever saw was Van Halen's. Naked girls, piles of coke...the whole shebang. Most of the other bands I knew were much tamer.
13. I love show tunes. I know the words to all the songs of the classics and sing them in my car.
14. I love ho-hos. A guilty secret. I put them in the microwave and warm them up so the creme sauce becomes gushy. When I'm finished eating one, my face and fingers are sticky with chocolate and creme. I lick my fingers when I'm done.
15. I love soft things....fur, velvet, chenile. I love to stroke them.
16. As a teen, I could not fall asleep without masturbating first. I did it every night and hadda stack of xrated magazines under my bed. I got off on the erotic stories, the pictures never did much for me then.
17. I have really long, natural fingernails. I have to cut them occasionally, because they get too long. I am envied for them and I like that. People also envy my curly hair. I don't understand that.
18. I would fuck Clint Eastwood if I had the opportunity. Even now.
19. I would fuck Haley Berry if I had the opportunity.
20. My grandma claimed that all of her friends (but NOT her) dated Babe Ruth. She also claimed that my bookie grandpa was NOT a member of the Purple Gang. I never believed her "nots" and was proud of her colorful past.
21. I believe in psychics, UFO's and a higher spiritual being.
22. I am terrified of dying in a fire or by drowning.
23. When I read the newspaper, I am compelled to read each and every obituary....bearing witness to their deaths, and therefore their lives.
24. I love the color purple, the actual color, not the movie.
25. I don't believe moses parted the red sea.

9/1/06

2006-09-01T12:01:00.000-04:00

My horoscope yesterday in the Detroit Free Press:

Sagittarius(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It has been suggested that there's none so devotional a term as mother. Yet lately, when you utter the word, devotion isn't exactly what you're feeling. Clear the air.

ouch

8/31/06

2006-08-31T10:14:00.000-04:00

I went to the thyroid specialist yesterday to get my results
and he said that this batch of bloodwork showed my thyroid was normal
but my adrenal gland was producing absolutely no stress horomone
(if it wasn't so scary, it would be funny)
my dr. sister in law said the reasons an adrenal gland wouldn't produce the stress horomone were usually because of a tumor or an auto-immune disease

so he sent me back early this morning for more blood work to try and figure out what was going on
a few minutes ago the hospital called and said they screwed something up
and I have to go back tomorrow morning for a redraw

fuckin' great, huh?

my back sucks again, I'm walking like I just had major anal sex, all bowlegged and hunched over and shit....

in other news, dh has a miserable case of poison ivy from clearing some folage in our backyard, is on steroids and not loving it.....
girlchild starts college next week, and is working her cute little butt off at 3 jobs trying to save $$ to help with the costs....
boychild loves middle school and is the quarterback for his football team (during the first scrimmage, he scored 3 touchdowns, had a coupla bigtime runs, and had one 40+ yard run that included breaking half a dozen tackles)....

and summer is over this weekend....time to put away my white capris and gear up for a michigan winter.....

I have something significant to say

2006-08-28T16:50:00.000-04:00

we got rid of Lexi this weekend...
we've known for a while that even tho we loved her
it just wasn't working out
she was too.............needy
and way too timid
for our family and our busy lifestyle

we found her a good home with a childless couple whose pets are their children....
they have a 14 year old shepherd with the doggie version of MS that they are putting to sleep today, and having Lexi will make it easier for them to do it...
they will adore Lexi and lavish the love and attention on her that she craves
and her scardy catness doesn't bother them at all.....
and even better...........the dog that wouldn't let a stranger come anywhere near her, let these people pet her almost immediately and didn't pee in fear like she usually did

it was almost like this was the family she was supposed to belong to

I'm gonna miss her, but I know this was the right thing for everyone, especially Lexi

so now the search begins for a dog that is a better fit for us....

8-23-06

2006-08-23T11:18:00.000-04:00

my brother had 95% blockage in 3 arteries, but since he's young, they were able to blow them out and put 3 stints in instead of doing a bypass.....lucky, lucky man................the dr. said he was 2 cheeseburgers from a heart attack

we didn't go to the nudist camp this weekend...........it was a rainy, gloomy weekend and my back was in pain mode..........so instead we went to a dance and met a really cool couple that we'll be sure to hook up with soon.....

they told us about this swingers convention that's coming to town next month..........40,000 people!......they're already registered and we're signing up this week..........boy o'boy is THAT gonna be a party!

I did get some relief from this last back injection.......I'm getting around pretty good, altho I still have pain............I'm also still dealing with (what I call) inertia, tho........the inability to get off the couch unless I'm forced to...I'm sure that's related to depression

the thyroid ultrasound showed a coupla (what the technician thinks are) cysts....but it hasta be "officially" read by a dr.......then sent to my dr. who will call me with the results and treatment plan......

okay............so now you are up to date with my health, brother and party going....

I'll talk to you when I have something significant to say....
*sigh*

8/15/06

2006-08-15T10:25:00.000-04:00

my brother is awaiting heart surgery....he was diagnosed with some sorta blockage on an emergency basis yesterday....

he's 45 years old.

hopefully, it will just require angioplasty...

he's all prepped and was supposed to be taken in for surgery at 7 am, but for some reason, it got pushed back and as of now (11 am), he still hasn't gone.....

his c**t of an ex-wife was expecting him to have their kids this week and made plans with her boyfriend, so told the kids to find somewhere else to sleep tonight.............wtf????????????????????????

8/14/06

2006-08-14T11:33:00.000-04:00

50 miles from any sign of life (other than bovine), we arrived at the campground....
after passing the security check at an imposing wrought iron locked and electronically surveyed gate, we realized we weren't in Kansas anymore!

there were people everywhere.........walking, riding in golf carts, dancing to a live band, hanging out at a gazebo for a wine tasting, sunning at a pool..............but the extraordinary part was that most of them were butt nekkid (or in various stages of dress)....

it took us a coupla glasses of wine to feel comfortable enough to shed our clothes, but within an hour, parts of our bodies that had never before seen the sun, were on display....

there were very few perfect bodies..........it was actually the opposite....most people were like us with a few extra pounds to keep them warm....but there were tons of man-made breasts, spray on tans and tatoos....the majority of woman had totally shaved girlparts...and more than a few men were bare, also....

we passed the afternoon meeting and greeting and drinking wine, and by the time evening came, we had some new friends to hang out with...

that night there was a dance, and for the first time, people put clothes on, dressing up for the party...........ha!....go figure

we made some............"special" friends and spent a good part of the night with them before finally crawling into our own tent and sleeping soundly

we hung around for most of the next day......swimming, flirting, walking and socializing.....and when it was time to get dressed and go home, we realized that we had gotten sunburnt in some very unusual places.....

we're going back this weekend and now that I'm feeling better, I'm really really really looking forward to it.....

wouldn't you?

8/11/06

2006-08-11T11:29:00.000-04:00

like I said in my last post, I feel better, but I am frighteningly aware of my depression lurking just below the drug induced "line" of mental health....it's the oddest feeling....it's like knowing you have a monster locked in your closet.....you know you're safe for the moment, but you also are VERY aware of him being there and what will happen if he should escape....

I also wake up every single morning with a feeling of panicked stress....the best way to describe it is to imagine waking up every morning to find you are at the top of the highest hill of a rollercoaster....(and I DESPISE rollercoasters!)....you know that feeling you get in your head and stomach?.....that is with me ALL the time, beginning with my first conscious moment....

in my readings about thyroid disorders, I've learned that "uncontrollable anxiety" and depression are symptoms of almost every thyroid problem...

my sister in law talked me into driving to NY with her last weekend...I didn't wanna do it, but I basically got bullied into it..she hadda buncha stuff to bring to this vintage clothing store in Brooklyn and it woulda cost her hundreds of dollars to ship it, so instead, she and I used that money to drive 10 hours each way and stay in NY for about 30 hours...I know it was part of a "let's make maureen feel better" campaign....and it did help to get away for a few days...

I know I haven't given you any details about the nudist camp yet......but I will tell you that we're going back next weekend....

baseball is over for boychild and football has begun....he starts middle school in a few weeks...
girlchild has registered for her college classes and seems excited about them even tho she isn't going away until spring....

and soulmate...............ummmm, no......I think you'd better keep your son away from my daughter for a few more years...........*grin*

8/3/06

2006-08-03T16:05:00.000-04:00

I'm human again....
still not the nameless I once was but a passable clone.....

my meds have been doubled, a thyroid problem discovered
and an appt. made with a specialist....

and the journey continues.....

7/24/06

2006-07-24T13:45:00.000-04:00

i'm doing better
i'm functioning and not crying all the time
i don't want to do anything other than sleep(altho I want to sleep, i can't)
and lay on the couch
i have to force myself to do anything else
i'm not myself yet...i have to work really hard to appear "normal"
but people who know me have commented on how subdued I am, so I guess I'm not doing that good of a job at it

i saw my dr. today and he upped my meds
said he would treat me for 120 days and if i wasn't better, he was gonna turn me over to a shrink

i think what happened to me would have been called a nervous breakdown 20 years ago

anyway...

this weekend, dh and i went to the nudist camp
i really didn't want to go, but he insisted
said it would do me good to "decompress"
and get away from life for a day
so i went

i keep trying to write about the experience with the enthusiasm it deserves
but i don't seem to have it in me....i write a sentence or two, then erase it.....
lemme step away for a bit and see if I can do it...
bye.

i don't have many readers any more

2006-07-12T07:29:00.000-04:00

and i don't blame people for leaving......who wants to read depressive whining all the time?

i talked to my dr. for over an hour and he put me on paxil and said i should feel better in a week or so...he said that he thinks it is a combo of things that have brought this breakdown on...he said long term physical pain can do strange things to emotional chemical balances and when you add in mom stress, money stress, health stress.......perimenopause(i'm on the verge of menopause according to the hormone testing), low carb eating and not smoking, it's not surprising I'm depressed...

apparantly, cigarettes can act like anti-depressants....and when people quit, issues often appear....imagine that.

there is a link to low-carb and depression that has to do with seritonin levels....i don't remember the details, but he told me to lay off the low carb (or any sort of diet) until we get the meds to work....he told me to be gentle with myself for the next week or so....i have to see him next week for a face to face appointment

i don't feel any better yet, but i am forcingmyself to go to work. i don't get much accomplished, but it is better than laying on the couch sleeping and crying

in my religion, a short while after someone dies, their grave is "unveiled" to everyone.....and my dads unveiling is this weekend.....i don't know how i am going to get thru it....its not the ceremony or concept that is bothering me...it's the pretending to be my normal self to the people attending....i've lost the ability to pretend....

this is the most i've "spoken" in several days, so maybe i am getting better...

7/10

2006-07-10T09:16:00.000-04:00

so many tears this weekend
the couch was my womb

I called my dr. this morning
he's booked tight, but they promised he would call asap
asap
asap

those around me are tossing around words
trying to figure out what is wrong with me

they ask me which of them are right
as if I knew
as if I knew

2006-07-08T09:23:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to pull myself out
My husband says "get over it"
My mom says "your life is great, get over it"

and I sink deeper and deeper
and the tears keep falling

7/6/06

2006-07-06T09:03:00.000-04:00

I can't stop crying.

7/4/06

2006-07-05T11:51:00.000-04:00

I'm on day 4 of a sleepless spurt
I can't seem to get to the REM sleep my body so desperately needs
I drift off a bit, but never feel rested after
I'm starting to get really annoyed with the whole situation

I'm constantly on edge....constantly ready to snap

I hadda 3 day weekend...........I was so excited
I KNEW, just KNEW, that this was my chance to unwind
and instead, I spent the weekend waiting for the other shoe to drop
what shoe you ask?
hellifIknow.

what the fuck is this shit all about?
another new and exciting development in my already messed up psyche
oh yay

I'm trying so hard to be different
I get up every morning and make a physical effort to convince myself whatta beautiful day it is and to count the blessings in my life

maybe I'm trying too hard, but myself remains unconvinced.....

I hate hate hate hate hate being like this

6/30/06

2006-06-30T11:16:00.000-04:00

Every day she takes a morning bath she wets her hair
Wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair
It's just another day
Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes
Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat
It's just another day
At the office where the papers grow she takes a break
Drinks another coffee and she finds it hard to stay awake
It's just another day

ho hum
the beat goes on
la de da de da....

I've been having a hard time getting outta bed in the morning during the week
(which is not normal behavior for me)
and I finally figured out why
it's because I just don't wanna face the day ahead

nothing lasts forever
nothing lasts forever
nothing lasts forever

it just feels like it

one step forward
two steps backwards

6/23/06

2006-06-23T10:13:00.000-04:00

I'm really restless today...........I know that it's jobbie nooner and I wanna be part of it........

jobbie nooner is the mardi gras of michigan and it takes place on a little manufactured island in the middle of the st. clair river........people pull their boats up to it, and party all day long........it's been going on for 50+ years and originated when the factory rates (jobbie's) would leave work at lunch time (nooner) and go to the island to drink and begin the weekend.......do-gooders have been trying to put a stop to the R rated fun for years, but luckily, they haven't been successful...

I could really use a wild n'crazy time right about now

I'm still plugging away with work and mom and kids and finances and my back/circulation issues

dealing with the daily stresses...........sometimes dealing well, sometimes not so well, sometimes out and out badly..............but I'm working on having more of the good days!....it's a struggle, but if I wanna survive, I gotta change the way I view my new normal.... my mother in law (who occasionally is very wise) told me to remember that "nothing is forever" and that "this, too, shall pass"...

the dr. who I love called last week wanting to know how everything was going and I basically told him that I have adopted a "shut up, suck it up and deal with it" attitude.........I told him that I have another round of specialist appointments coming up in July (ugh) and I am so tempted to just friggin' cancel them...he made me promise not to.........gave me a pep talk on how we are gonna "fix" me, blah blah blah...........I'm just tired of the whole thing....I just want them to keep giving me pain meds and leave me alone....

I'm still losing weight.......not much, but down 16 lbs. as of today
I'm still not smoking............today is my 84th day
I've begun walking a bit........pushing thru the pain, refusing to let it stop me........I can't go more than a mile a few times a week (and I'm really walking slow), but I AM walking. I really believe that if I can get past the pain, the little bit of exercise I am doing has gotta help with my back/circulation/depression problems

I'm fighting to find myself again

6/21/06

2006-06-21T11:13:00.000-04:00

Profound Revelation....
Life=Stress
the only thing we can control is how we handle life's stressors...

it's a dark and stormy day
with little sleep last night, I feel as dreary as the weather...

p.s.....soulmate..........where are you and why?

6/12/06

2006-06-12T07:26:00.000-04:00

since I quit smoking, I've been dreaming more
and I've been thinking 'bout the "me" that lives in my dreams
she's different than I am....
she's braver, smarter and funnier
she's more creative in her life choices
she has more sex
she's more self-centered and cares less about what people think
she follows her heart instead of her "duties"
she has exciting adventures regularly

I think I like her more than I like my 3D self

prom ain't what it used to be

2006-05-25T10:00:00.000-04:00

girlchild looked amazing....besides the figure-hugging elegant white gown, sparkling jewels, the perfect manicure and pedicure and glamorous updo....she glowed with youth, vitality and excitment....her date brought her a white rose corsage and I got teary eyed as she gave him his buttoineire (how the hell is that spelled anyway?)
he couldn't stop staring at her....(either could I!)

we met at a friends house, and 12 of her friends and their dates preened and posed for the parental papparizzi....then we all set off for a local park for more photos....

I expected it to be her small group, but when we arrived, I realized it was the WHOLE FRIGGIN GRADUATING CLASS!....276 students, parents and loved ones gathered....30-40 limos waited for their passengers....it was the most wonderful chaos.....

I saw kids who I remembered as tiny little cherubs now grown up looking the best they ever looked, toitering on the brink of adulthood.....it was an awe-inducing and amazing experience....

the strangest thing was running into a coupla friends from my college days who also hadda daughter graduating.....we marvelled at how 25 years ago, drunk and playing euchre...we never imagined ourselves where we were at that moment

we stayed until the limos started loading for their ride downtown to the prestigious restaurant (the roostertail for those in-the-know)where the prom was held, then we headed to boychild's baseball game (they lost 11-6, but boychild hadda coupla good hits)....finally home and american idol.....I was smart enough to tape the season finale of Lost and will watch it tonight.

girlchild is still sleeping so I don't know any details of prom but I'm looking forward to hearing all about it

tonight is the honors assembly....dunno what girlchild is getting, but she is getting something...

tomorrow morning is swing out (senior slide show/more awards), tomorrow afternoon is boychild's wax museum (where he poses as Lou Gehrig and tells his life story) and tomorrow night is girlchild's hebrew school graduation...

in between all that is work.
ha.

5/24/06

2006-05-24T09:44:00.000-04:00

I am in awe of those of you who have survived a daughter's high school graduation...

every single night is full of some event related to her coming of age....honors assembly, swingout, prom, hebrew graduation, etc, etc....I'm enjoying (and savoring) every single minute, but sheeeeeeeesh, it's exhausting! tonight is prom. all of the parents are meeting to take photos. she is going with her best friends and their dates in a party bus. her date is enamoured of her, she is ambivilant about him. today will be spent in a flurry of manicures and hair appointments.

I didn't go to prom. it wasn't a big deal to my group of friends. actually, I can't remember going to a single high school dance. I'm glad girlchild is having the complete experience.

(*****sidenote to my soul mate....there is a class of 76 reunion scheduled for early sept.....even tho we graduated earlier, most of our friends were in that class..........I may go!)

not to be outdone, boychild is also graduating, but from elementary school. his school is making a big deal outta it with an evening graduation and various functions.

needless to say between the dual graduations and travel baseball, I'm one very busy mom!

today is my 54th smoke free day. the last few days have been difficult for me.
I'm still attempting to bring my weight back to where it should be and was before my dad's illness. I'm down 15 lbs (actually, my loss keeps bouncing from 12-15).
boy, the weight sure went on easier than it's coming off!

I did the NYC experience this past weekend. mom and girlchild were in attendance.
mom was beyond annoying, but somehow I survived.

my back is better.........that last injection seems to have found it's mark.....the dr. said it could last anywhere from a day to a year.....let's hope for the high end. my circulation is still screwy, and many major diseases have been ruled out, but they still haven't figured out what is going on and why. I tested "borderline" for lupus, 3 times. they say either I have it, or I just test that way. (duh...) regardless, there is really no treatment for lupus, all they can do is treat the symptoms, so I suppose, a diagnosis isn't that big of a deal

and so it goes.....

5 more things

2006-05-10T15:24:00.000-04:00

I'm grateful for
1. that I didn't kill my mom today
2. that I probably won't kill my mom tomorrow
3. that I can leave work in 1 1/2 hours and not have to see my mom for the rest of the day
4. that I have to go to the dentist tomorrow morning so I only havta see my mom for part of the day
5. that I will get a total "debbie free day" on Sunday, June 18th!

(can you tell she's making me nuts today?)

whistle a happy tune

2006-05-09T14:46:00.000-04:00

"make believe you're brave and the trick will take you far
you may be as brave as you make believe you are"

5 things I am grateful for
1. my children's health
2. the love my husband has for me regardless of how fucked up I am
3. the smell of lilacs
4. the love in my puppy's eyes when she looks at me
5. my 39th day of being smokefree

monday moanin'

2006-05-08T11:19:00.000-04:00

ok, this is getting ridiculous....

I went to the eye dr. for my 2 year exam and new glasses
and the dr. told me that he is unable to correct my left eye
to 20/20 and I need to see an optomologist because he thinks
there is something wrong with my retina....

I can't fuckin' believe this shit.

I also have a horrible toothache and my dentist
hadda death in the family and won't be in until thursday

inphuckin'credible.